Taking a Step Back

Have you ever smushed your face so close to your paper or canvas or whatever, just focusing on one small detail? Ever had complete tunnel vision? This seems to be how I'm living my life, and it's VERY stressful! How can you see the world around you if you're only looking in one spot?

Sometimes it's better to take a big step back and just look at what's going on. Look at the bigger picture as it were... It's FRICKIN HARD!!!!! Take it from someone who is "focused" (it might not look like it from the outside), forcing yourself to take a BIG step back sucks!! I'm a doer, not a waiter. I HATE waiting!! I'm the type (as you can probably see now) who just blunders through no matter what, even if I'm not even enjoying it any more. Then I start to hate things, then I quit. Hence the taking the step back.

Taking a step back to think... Thinking is not my friend at the moment... Blundering is my forte. But I'm forcing the inhale and stepping back. What have I found? I'm tired of blundering... It's very exhausting... It's living by someone else's rules. Someone else'd deadlines. Putting undue pressure on myself to JUST FINISH, to make money, to make everything IMMACULATE!! 

...it's not possible! Perfection is a thing of the imagination. Perfection is the killer of dreams. Perfection is the illusion that causes nervous breakdowns, tears, panic attacks, depression, and quitting prematurely. It's an unreal standard that we set ourselves to, usually because we think that other people are making things perfectly (thank you Instagram and Social Media), so if we can't do it perfect we suck. We're useless. Even though we're just starting out and the person we're comparing ourselves to has been doing the same thing for a LONG TIME. It's not an easy pill to swallow.

As much as I love learning new things, I HATE learning new things because it shows that I'm not the best at something. It's like a thirst. An unquenchable thirst. Knowledge may be power, but if you're a competitive perfectionist, it kinda ends up burning you in the end. Brutal.

But I digress!! So now I'm taking a step back. I've been slowly moving in a backwards over the last little while, trying to see the forest through the trees. Inhale, exhale, one step at a time. It's hard, but apparently worth doing (I'm still getting there:P). Goooood times:P I guess my point is to breathe. Just take a step back and breathe. Enjoy life and see the forest!!

C'iao for now!!

And a mountain picture, just because:)

If you don't like it, CHANGE IT!!

The prime example of this is why I haven't posted on here in a while. I didn't like my job anymore, so I CHANGED IT!!! As a result, I've been very busy during the day, very tired, and have had a hacking cold/cough for almost a month now. 

BUT!! Let this be a shining example!! It applies to the creative world too!! We are so free to do whatever we want, whenever we want to! It's amazing! It's not the Dark Ages anymore, where we have to do what our Father's did, and their Father's before them, etc. etc. We can chose!

I, personally, have multiple diploma's (3 I think:P) and have taken many other types of courses on many types of things. And all of the thing's I there are multiple things that I self-study as well that have caught my fancy. This is probably why I'm having a hard time tacking down my branding... Hmm... Enlightenment!!

Anyways! It seems like all people talk about these days is how unhappy they are. How their life would be better if this or that was different, and in light of this, are hell-bent on making everyone else as miserable as they are! Ugh!! I'm getting unhappy just thinking about it.

But instead of throwing an adult-sized temper-tantrum, why not actually be an adult and look into other options! Don't like your job? Get a new one! Unhappy with where your life is going? Change the direction! CHANGE THE DIRECTION!! Life really is that simple! It's when we get bogged down in all of this worry and trying to "Keep up with the Jones's" as my mother would say. 

It all basically comes down to this new-age idea of simplifying. For example, I live in a 900ish square foot house. This is considered to be ridiculously small by today's standards. It's all about the big house and the nice things. How have I come to see this? More to clean, more to pay, and above all, more worry and less time to do what I want! I'm very happy in my little house. Hell, I would probably be just as happy as joining the Tiny House movement (would TOTALLY be for that). 

So basically do we really need all this crap? NO! It seems to be keeping us from truly enjoying life and cluttering us up. You can't follow your dreams if you have a million dollar mortgage (unless you want to get more into debt, UGH!).

Anyways, got a little off topic there... But anyways, if there's something you want to do, DO IT!! If there's somewhere you want to go, find a way to get there! You are never stuck!! You can always keep moving on any direction you want! Do it!! Let's get all excited and do this!! YEAH!!!

C'iao for now!!

Part of my personal Library (and funky hats!)!!

The More I Learn the Less I Know!!

Do you ever think you may have mastered something, just to find out you had NO CLUE what you were doing?? Happens to me all the time!! I think I'm understanding something and then BAM!!! Out of no where my mind is totally blown again!!

This seems to be especially true in my creative process. Or rather, in trying to plan out my business. I've tried to go back to basics and start from the ground up with branding... BUT I have so many ideas of where it could go, or where I want it to go, or colours, or themes, or... Well everything to be honest! I think I have it figured out, then I look at some old notes, or I get another idea from somewhere and I'm off again!!

Then there's all of the things that you're "supposed to know." I won't lie, I just learned what an SEO campaign was like two days ago, and that's because I googled it... And all the social media stuff!! I don't know about you all, but I get SO BORED on it!! Especially the comparing. I am a Type A to the core, and so if I see something that someone else has done (doesn't even have to be similar) and it looks better then something I've done I subconsciously give up. This is quickly followed by consciously giving up, and convincing myself that I don't like whatever it is I'm doing anymore.

Yup, I'm a balls to the wall, jump in with both feet kinda gal, who's quickly learning that this doesn't pair well with perfectionism. Nope, not at all. I'm learning though!

Last summer was a prime example of that. Was I ready for that Farmer's Market? Hell no!! Did I look like a complete and total amateur next to everyone else there? You bet!! But I showed the hell up every weekend, with my tiny little table and minimal stock. I would sit there and weave on my loom, or sew my stuff. I had two little signs (started with three but I got rid of one) that were obviously home made and looked kinda tacky (I'm working on it:P), a bright flowery tablecloth from Dollarama, and, by the end, two foam heads set up on a tub with some material thrown over it. The colour scheme was a mess, nothing matched, and I found out that I am worse at sales then I thought I was.

But I was there. I did it and I learned a lot. WITHOUT the internet and social media and etsy and all those other stores. SO! I'm doing a personal re-brand (we'll see how this works:P) and getting some professional looking stuff for my table. I haven't given up, but I will for sure be returning a few books to the library. You know why, because while they're interesting, I don't really need them. I've mastered the art of mailchimp, I'm blogging up a storm, I have an Etsy and Facebook page, and in the near(ish) future I plan on opening up a website.

So you know what!! Let's all take some risks here and git 'r done!! We don't need all these fancy courses or books or anything!! Just do the work!!

Well... That's my manifesto for the day...

Now it's time to get to work :P

C'iao for now!!!

Money for Money

Good morning!!! Or afternoon depending on when I actually am able to finish this post.

So lately I've been meditating a lot and working on self-improvement, chakra work, and all that fun stuff. Through all this I've found out that there's one thing that seems to be worrying me and holding me back. The big M word. MONEY!!!

I REALLY didn't realize how much money you have to fork out to actually make money in a small business. Ugh... I mean, I grew up on a farm, so I've always had a sense of it, but DAMN!! I've got my eye on 4 smallish craft sales in the near future and just to apply for them will cost me over $100 dollars... And I still need to get some sort of professional banner made.

So you know what?! I'm on a business hiatus for the winter!! I've found that I'm putting WAY too much pressure on myself to make money in this that I'm not even enjoying it any more. I mean I'll leave up my etsy shop and facebook page, but I'm really feeling that I need to make more products (like actually have a full table) before I do anymore shows or anything. I think I have a Farmer's Market all planned for next summer (less rural), so I may set my sights on that for the future and just save my money to buy more yarn (and maybe even local yarn) and work on my photography skills before I go all out again.

And I WILL go all out again!! I firmly do believe in jumping in with both feet, but I do think that I need to do a little more work before I jump in again. And get a more professional set-up. And I need to work on my sales pitch a lil bit...

BUT!!! I do still firmly believe in jumping in before you feel ready, because let's be honest, who's ever ACTUALLY ready. I've just realized that there's a lot of work to do in the meantime.

So, in the great words of Tiffany Han, DO THE WORK and then JUST SAY YES!!!

Ciao for now!!

Habits...

Habits... Hard to form easy to break... Kind of like trust:P

 

Anyways!! I say anyways too much:P I figured that I would touch on habits a lil bit here, because that is my current uphill slog... I recently got a job as a marketing admin (YAY:D), so now, not working ANY evenings or weekends, is the time to build up some good habits!

You never realize how long evenings are until you work an evening shift and go back to days. They just kind of yawn open before you, and usually I just end up going to bed early:P

Do I have things to be doing? You bet! But, being the procrastinator I am, I just piddle around with things and waste time until it truly is crunch time!

 

So I'm trying my very hardest to form some habits, and try to say no to things people ask me to do just because I don't have time, or if I do what they want I won't have time to do what I truly need or want to be doing! Wow that was a run-on sentence!! But anyways, I'm trying to form some habits to give some sense of calm to my life.

 

First off, I didn't sign up for a CIP (REALLY hard courses) class this year. At this point there are other things I would like to prioritize. I'm hoping to sign up for some Winter Craft Sales, so I need to start working on those applications, as well as making more product!! My loom has sat vacant for the last month:(

 

I'm also training for a marathon. Not to race in a marathon (not yet anyways), but to do it just for me! Just to prove that I can do it! And also in preparation for something called The Canadian Death Race. 125km through the Rockies. Oh yeah! Because that's totally happening!!!

 

So basically, the habits I'm working on right now are running and sewing/weaving. Is it going to be easy? HELL NO!!! Will it be worth it in the end? Only time will tell!!

Is there something that you're super passionate about but just can't find the time?! In the words of Nike, JUST DO IT!!!

 

Let it Go

CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!!!! ...ahem... Good day!!

Anyways, I have realized I say anyways a lot... Back to basics!!

I've been a lil bit absent on here lately, sorry about that! But I've been re-thinking and re-branding and trying to learn about them... That and introspection. LOTS of introspection. And playing with crystals and chakras and meditation. Good times!!!

But as for my business I've decided that I need to actually make a strong brand for myself! Now that the summer at the Farmer's Markets are over (financial tank, good experience), I can now sit back and REALLY look at things. I saw a lot of people this summer with a lot of great brands. They probably think I'm super creepy, I may have totally scoped out the joint, but got a lot of great ideas.

First off, I've been kinda all over the place about everything. Looking back at my first set-up I kinda cringe a lil bit. Enter "Branding for Dummies." Since I can't really afford an expensive business coach to walk me through it I'll just keep on doing what I've always done!! When in doubt, blunder through it until something works!!! Because eventually something will work!! And if I can't believe that, then what's the point right:P

If there's one thing all this introspection (and chapter 1 of my new book:P) has made me realize, it's that by playing on my loom at the market or sewing may not have have been displaying the big bold happy brand I'm trying to exude. I may or may not have been exuding cranky and not super excited about my products. Whereas all the other peeps who were there seemed pretty pumped and knowledgeable about their products. I was getting ok towards the end, but still not super great. May need to work on my pitch a lil bit... And take out some stuff... And add some more things to make it better... Like more professional...

LIKE MY NEW BUSINESS CARDS:D SUPER  excited about those! They're super cute!!! See below for pics! My goal is to get a matching sign. Yay:D I know what my colour palette I want is, just need to solidify a few things...

Gotta spend money to make money right?? Not that much, but yeah... Gotta save some of that for yarn... But yeah!!!

Letting go of some things feels good, gonna get a little more interesting around here!!! Back to the internet (and the loom)!!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

Ciao for now!!!!

Vanish into the Mist... NOT!!

I am still here!! I have not vanished into the misty morning, just, as I mentioned earlier, been very introspective, and I've realized that I have a lot of work to do on that too! Don't worry, I'm not going to go all hippy-dippy on you:P That's not really what this blog is about. But it will probably be mentioned from time to time because it's really inspiring me to do something creative (which has mostly been journaling up to this point).

Anyways!! Creative-wise, I'm still looking for my people and waiting to be discovered... I think I need to be more pushy maybe, but that annoys me SO MUCH when people do it to me I just can't bring myself to do it.

I have big plans for more products, and I FINALLY got a new needle for my sewing machine. Things are just kind of chugging along with the little funds that I have. This REALLY limits what Markets I can apply for, or the promotions that I can do.

Ugh... I hate money... So, my next big move is pretty much to just create as much as I can, and keep an eye on the horizon for other places that I can sell my product! Etsy isn't working out super great either...

So, instead of getting super down on myself I've ended my Farmer's Market year early, and have decided to really work on the basic bones of my business. I've realized (introspection!!) that I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make lots of money and stressing about it when I should just be focussing on enjoying my craft...

Something I really plan to work on this long weekend!! And I REALLY need to improve on my online/social media presence. It wasn't going too bad, bbbuuuttt summer has been a lil wild:P

Anyways, look for some awesome stuff from me in the near future!! Ciao for now!!!!

Change...

This is something that the world tells us to do, yet no one allows you to do.

Think on that for a minute...

On that note, I have just completed my Chakra Class. SO AMAZING!!! I'm telling you, go to lacyyoung.com and look at her stuff! She's a miracle worker!! I've never felt better!!!

The terrifying part of this is change. We all work ourselves into a rut, and DAMN is that rut comfy. It's easy to just chill, and change is terrifying all on its own. Then you bring friends and family into it.

Now don't get me wrong, I love both my friends and my family, but it's always the people you love who make it difficult to change. Which makes sense, I mean it's scary to think that you might lose a friend because they are going through all of these changes, and in the end you end up having nothing in common. I've felt this way, and I'm sure others have too, but this is no reason not to try change on!

"Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's easier said then done, ignoring the potentially hurtful things that people say to you when you tell them "I have to meditate today" or something along those lines. BUT!! If you stand tall and stick to your guns (metaphorically speaking of course:P), people will either learn to adjust to the new you and respect you for trying to better your life, or they'll leave. This is the hurtful and terrifying part. Having to let go of a friend you may have had for life, but just isn't liking the new you. If you are loving who you are (and you'd better believe it feels wonderful!!!) then you should let them go. It's doing all of your hard work a dis-service.

I'm still on the verge of climbing out of the rut I've dug myself into, but I can feel little things changing, very slowly. Starting with eating better! I ACTUALLY look at ingredients now, and made myself the deal that if I can't read it, or I don't understand it, back on the shelf you go!!! I've always been a huge fan of stuff made from scratch anyways. Also a HUGE fan of organic food!! ...OK so I may have gone a lil bit hippy... You know what though! I'm totally OK with that! I'm not a vegetarian by any means, but I'm more cognizant of what I'm eating and where it came from.

That said, I'm also REALLY happy!!! Going through all of the Chakra's in my body, I found that almost every one was blocked and affecting my energy flow negatively. I've slowly worked through them and eased out some of the kinks and blocks, but still have a long way to go. But the most important thing is that I'm happy! I saw my life before for what it was, didn't really like it (or myself for that matter), and decided that something had to give.

Change is SUPER hard and SUPER scary, but if it's the right change and it makes you feel like you're floating on sunshine, then just go with it!! You are entitled to feel happy and to do things just for you, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!!

Well, sorry for the looonnnggg absence, but I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and there are really only 24 hours in a day (and I was on vacation IN THE MOUNTAINS!!!! The core of my soul:P). Hopefully I'll be writing more frequently now (I will be, don't worry), and we'll continue on our crazy ride of creativity together!!

Ciao for now!!!

Looking Beyond the Cookies...

Looking beyond the cookies... Hmm... And no, I haven't gone crazy, despite what recent events might suggest!! This was just some food for thought (HA! pun!!) that I got from what you all know is my favourite podcast: Raise Your Hand Say Yes, Episode 76.

Basically, if you don't do podcasts, they were talking about the fact that you could make the best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the world, but if your kitchen is falling apart, who really cares about the cookies, right? So look beyond the cookies...

Still trying to figure out what this means for me... I'm thinking that it's kind of how I portray myself and my product (see last rant for this), but I really don't know... To be honest, I wasn't going to write anything on here at all today because my Chakra Class started (EEEEEE!!!!!), but then that one line just really stuck out to me... Look beyond the cookies...

I guess it could be my branding too, after all, I didn't really look at developing a SUPER strong brand before I started out. Basically just, "How can I make you happy today?" That and I know next to nothing about Marketing, or even how to make a brand (other than my research that I've done).

Hmm... This is more of a contemplative post I guess, rather than having a strong and pounding message behind it. What I'm getting is that I need to look back and be a customer, would I want to buy something like what I'm producing? And if not, how can I make it better?

The more I work at my craft, the better I get, so I guess it's time to stand back and think about things a little bit... Which I'm mentally prepared to do after last weekend!! Monday hasn't been so bad today after all!! ...except that now I really want cookies...

Ciao for now!! Don't forget to stand back a bit to see the whole picture!!! ...and eat lots of cookies!!!!

Putting the Self in Care!!

Another weekend has come and gone, and I've been a little bit productive, but mostly I'm self-caring it up!! Only doing things that I really enjoy:)

Like sleeping! I am a chronic insomniac. Have you ever seen that meme where it says, "You're damn right I'm good in bed, I could sleep for days!!" Yeah, that's my dream. I go for quantity over quality. Which is why I go to bed at a time that some people would think is obscenely early, and can still sleep in like a teenager (NOT a teenager:P).

Anyways, I pretty much slept Saturday away and it was GLORIOUS!!! I think I fiddled around with my Etsy shop, Facebook, etc. but didn't really do anything too momentous (other than REMOVING ALL SHIPPING PRICES ON ETSY!!!!). AMAZING!!! 

Today though, today I got shit done!! ...well kinda... I was up and at 'em early early (like, 10:45am early), and checking out city markets. I have come to a conclusion... Other than one of the consignment stores I cold-called lied when they said that they had similar products to mine in their store, I discovered that a Manitoba Farmer's Market is a Manitoba Farmer's Market... It's all pretty much the same thing... But, if I do decide to dive into the madness again, I really need to rethink and revamp my set up.

First off, a tent would be WONDERFUL!!! It seems to add a level of professionalism, and shade. Never forget the shade. My burns from a month ago are still unhappy with me... Not to mention a bigger table!! I've got lotsa stuff, and my repertoire is growing all the time, so a bigger table is a must! I'm probably also going to need some sort of actual display to make things look pretty and yeah... But for that I'll need a bigger table... Hmm...

Anyways!!! After that I wandered around for a lil bit, then went on my way to buy some dog food and run some errands. Since I was home by noon, I had plenty of time to FINALLY finish off my mirror (forgot to mention that I bought more paint the day before). It matches everything and I'm SO EXCITED!!!! My room is becoming very zen and totally my space. It's amazing!!  Now I need to hang it up... THEN I move on to my closet/wardrobe thingy. Right now it's a plain woodgrain, but it needs some zazzing up!! I'm thinking.... Blue? Hahahaha :P I am for sure thinking of keeping the walls yellow, but less of a bile-ish yellow, and more of a happy sunny yellow.

So, the point of this post? Instead of doing anything "on the clock", I just chilled out and took things at my own pace. This is my favourite pace. Nice and relaxing, but still pretty productive. I have to go and retrieve my loom from MLHS to keep up my weaving, not too mention FINALLY sew my bag together... But this weekend none of that mattered. I did what I wanted, and planned out what I wanted. Not to mention spent some quality time with the hubby and the puppies.

Yup, every once in a while you have to slow down, chill out, and let all the stress of the last couple weeks just kinda melt off and remember that life is good!! Time to live it!!!

Have a good one!! Talk soon y'all!! Live it up!!

Someone Call the Mechanic, I've Stalled!!!

Yup... I've stalled... Broke down... Constantly pacing and jittery as hell... Once again I think I've taken on too much (flexed my brave muscle a little too hard), and I think I've burnt myself out leading to another era of depression... Yipee...Now I can feel myself starting to withdraw from the world, and everything is getting that much harder to do again...

Thankfully, some things are wrapping up for me, so I can relax a little bit (hopefully), and get back to what I truly enjoy. Creating!! I got turned down from another store, which really didn't help the terrible week I seem to be having (lots of family stuff going on right now).

But, even though I'd much rather just lie here and wallow, I'm standing up again!! I'm taking the weekend off from thinking about money, or making money with all my cool stuff, and just create. For some reason (don't remember why), I didn't sign up for the market this week, so I have an open weekend ahead of me. I can catch up on sleep, relax, sketch, paint, write, and do whatever I want!

You know what this is?! SELF-CARE!!! Once again I've neglected self-care, and didn't say no, even when I probably should of, and everything just piled up on me. So this weekend I'm digging myself out of all the crap I've buried myself in, and just chillaxing. Maybe I'll go Market Shopping for next year? Who knows!! I am for sure living this weekend on a whim.

I'm also thinking of removing shipping charges for my Etsy shop, just to get myself going!! I've started my Facebook page and finally actually invited people to look at it. And speaking of Etsy, I totally just revamped, re-priced, and removed all shipping charges. Just to get me started. I JUST WANT THAT FIRST SALE!!!!!

Ugh... Anyways, I guess I'm not in as huge a slump as I thought, but I have to say I'm incredibly excited to not have anything to do this weekend. I'll probably do a few sketches, and for sure start sewing a larger bag together for etsy. It's not as big as I originally wanted (ran out of yarn and REALLY need that first sale to keep putting in money), but it's still a lot bigger than my purses/clutches. It also has multiple woven strands of different colours as well.

Oh!!! I also figured out how to weave really neat patterns on my loom. ...some of them I don't like, checkers and diamonds... But I think I can really do something cool and this kind of feels like the next step for it.

So, I wouldn't say that life is looking up, per se, but I have experienced some interesting new techniques that I'm pretty excited to try.

Ciao for now!!! Talk soon!!!

Me weaving in a historically correct outfit:)

My loom on display (and my crazy Mom and Aunt touching it when the sign says not too:P)

Not Really

As per my last post, I hit a slump. I'm back now, don't worry! Not going to be posting gloom and doom, but merely food for thought.

Usually when I feeling down, I listen to some pump up feel good music, and try to get myself all jazzed up!! Try to really pump myself up you know. Get inspired by songs about people who just put the bottle down and walk away after drinking for a really long time, or get out of abusive relationships by whatever means necessary. Or listening to songs that just tell you to speak up your mind and you'll feel better, or that just believe and you can keep fighting no matter what.

Well you know what, while these songs are amazing with their stories and morals, they kind of lie. Earlier in the week I was listening to one of these songs (can't remember which one) and the moral was basically if you say what's on your mind, you'll feel better and happy and the world will be sunshine and rainbows.

Meanwhile, holding back tears, my hand wrote, almost of it's own accord, "But it doesn't work like that." This got me thinking back over the years of fighting with mental illness (it's almost been a solid decade now), and it's true. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some truly amazing people who flick away a cigarette or put a beer down after 50 plus years of addiction and say, "yeah, I'm done with that," and I am by no means an expert on addiction. Actually, the only thing I can say that I've ever been truly addicted to is chocolate, and I'm not quite ready to deal with that yet:P

On a more serious note though, most of us aren't like that. Most of us don't have that "Country Strong" resolve to just say, "I'm going to be this way now, and I will suddenly be happy, and little birds will follow me everywhere." 

I have been trying this approach with my depression and my life in general for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't work. It may give you a temporary mood boost. It may break you out of a funk for the duration of the song. But then there are those truly AWFUL days where they have the opposite effect. 

"Why aren't I like that? Why don't I have that much control of my body and mind to be able to do that?" I remember when I first started to truly feel the tug of my first what I guess I'll call psychotic episode. I listened to every pump up song, and fuck you world song pretty much ever made. I looked at motivational things online (I think this was pre-pinterest) that I could find, and still I felt hollow. I screamed things out to the public online like "I feel free now!!" or "Happiness is a choice I'm making." 

But that's not really how it works. For some people it might, but I think for most of us it doesn't. For most of us, we need real help. I didn't realize it until I wrote that little note on the side of some random scratch paper laying around on my desk, but it really doesn't work like that. I've been doing to myself, telling myself, what I've been rallying against other people telling me for the better part of a decade.

IF YOU JUST TRIED HARDER TO BE HAPPY, YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! JUST SNAP OUT OF IT STUPID!!

Sitting at my desk, trying to work through a particularly tricky insurance claim, this revelation almost brought me to tears and completely blew my mind. This is totally unfair and unacceptable behaviour from anyone, especially myself. ESPECIALLY myself. The roots of stigma against Mental Health run deep enough in the world itself, I don't need them weaving their way into my way of thinking, and dealing, too. 

If you look hard enough on the internet (and by hard enough I mean a quick google search), you will hear amazing stories of people who, like in the songs, just changed their way of thinking, or hardened their resolve, and immediately got better. And if they can do it, why can't weaklings like me? Well, not to put it bluntly, but my depression comes from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Telling a person like me, and there are a lot of us out there, some too terrified to come forward and be judged, to just "think happier" or "snap out of it" would be like telling someone who just broke their arm to "think positive and you'll be fine, you don't need a doctor for that." My favourite comparison, though, is the heart attack analogy.

I recently told someone very close to me why I'm exhausted all the time, and why I pretty much need to go to bed by 9pm every night. Her answer? Those are just excuses. Now, after a truly shitty week, that was almost a tear jerker, but I've learned not to let the uneducated see the true impact of their words on me. But, just for shits and giggles, let's bring in that good old heart attack analogy. When I'm in a psychotic episode (not taking care of myself properly, living on junk food, dragging myself out of bed in the morning, and wanting to do nothing more then to somehow get rid of all the pent up negative feelings I have), when someone tells me, "you're just using mental illness as an excuse", that would be like someone telling someone who is having a heart attack to "just walk it off, you'll be fine."

Just because you can't see it, doesn't make it any less valid of a medical condition. This is something even pop-culture is still not even aware of it seems. Poor Robin Williams was a sad reminder of that. Because truly, the happiest looking people always wear the best masks. Just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm ok. Doesn't mean that I'm on medication that make it so that I can get out of bed in the morning, but also can make me dizzy as hell. Doesn't mean anything.

So, I'm not sure if this was just a rant I needed to get out at some hurt I've felt over the last week (or longer, my Grannie's death is still bothering me more than I know), or an actual blog post with an actual point.

But there is one point I want to make, and if this is the only one that anyone takes away from this, I'll go to bed a little happier tonight.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT!!!! THE WORLD IS TRULY A BRIGHTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT, DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

Rejection Sucks Skunk Junk

Now, I have been rejected before. Not often, and my mind tries to save me from being overly vulnerable most of the time, but it still sucks.

 

As a teenager I taught myself a pretty handy trick of "if you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed when nothing happens." I have since learned that this is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy way of dealing with your feelings, and have been really trying to feel them... Which is probably why this stings so horribly now.

 

I'll back up a little bit here, and tell you that one of the stores who said that they might want to display my work turned me down... It was one I was kinda excited about since it's in a pretty big hotspot where I live, and my stuff would have fit in GREAT!! But... Apparently someone they are already displaying has similar products to mine... Ugh...

So yeah, went through a pretty BIG low... Where I pretty much just went home, snuggled up with my fur babies (Annie turned 2 yesterday!!!), and cried on the phone with my Mom... All while watching the movie "Bridesmaids." HILARIOUS by the way, if you haven't seen it yet!

Anyways, I wallowed for a while, licked my wounds, and then did something positive. I SET UP MY ETSY SHOP!!!! That's right!!! I'm now open for business!!! Super exciting!!! Oh, and I sent out some more pitches to a couple other boutiques around that sometimes carry artisans work.

On a whole, I think I managed to turn the day around. So, when you're in a low (unless it's a SERIOUS low where you should seek medical attention; END THE STIGMA), be sad, be mad, be upset, lick your wounds, but then STAND BACK UP!! Be like one of those Weeble Wobble toys where no matter how many hits they take, they just stand right back up again.

Only YOU can truly knock yourself down. So on that note, keep on creating and keep on fighting!! You totally got this!!

Ciao for now!!

 

Leica, jealous of her little sister

Annie, the Birthday Girl!!!

Photoshoot!!

Goood morning everyone!!

 

As I slowly make my way to work via a slowly rolling bus that was 4 minutes late when it picked me up, I have already come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be late for work today:P Oh well!!! Then I realized that it's been quite a while since I've written a blog post, and that's just not ok!!

So, I'll start with what I finally managed to work up the courage to do last night, and since you're all wonderfully smart people who read my title for today's post, you can more than likely guess what that is. I finally got the guts to stop stalling, gather up all my works, and just take some freaking pictures already!!

 

I do, unfortunately, live in a city, but in a super old part with lots of trees, and my back yard is completely river rock (it's a dog issue, don't ask:P). So when I finally decided to take pictures myself, with my lil camera phone, I found plenty of places to snap a few shots! I even made an appearance in a couple of them:P But it was insanely bright out so I had my sunglasses on:P

 

The point is, even though I am by NO means a professional, or even semi-professional photographer (I don't even own an actual camera!), I went out there and got shit done!! Instead of stalling and waiting for my pal who IS a semi-pro photographer to be available, and then waiting for us both to be available at the same time (we're both insanely busy) I just went out and did it!

 

You know how much it cost me? NOTHING!!! I just took some, in my opinion, half decent pics that just need a lil bit of editing, for absolutely free. I just arranged my products in a way I thought looked kinda cool and artsy fartsy, and went for it!!

 

And, after some minimal editing, I will be sending these pics off to two stores (possibly more, I keep finding them) who I just reached out to. That's right, they didn't find me, I found them. I'm starting to realize that nothing happens in life without you first asking a question, and forcing your way in:P

 

That's right!! I'm breaking and entering my way into the art scene!! Who's with me?!?!

Hallelujah for the Internet!!

Thank God for the Internet!!! Without it I might not have (or it would have taken me a LOT longer) gotten up the courage to email a few boutiques I know of that display local artists works. The emailing itself wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be, but the fact that I got replies sent the blood pressure RIGHT UP!!!!

 

Then my imposter complex kicked in hardcore!! I mean yeah, my work is ok, but not store worthy!! Who do you think you are?!? To be honest, I'm still fighting with them. Etsy was one thing; you just post your stuff and people chose what they want. With this, one is a consignment store and the other one buys the works outright!! I'm terrified!!

 

But you know what? One thing is really shining through for me: I'd rather be sitting here terrified trying to get a hold of my friend who said she'd do my photographs then sitting here wondering what it would be like to have people who I don't know actually buy something I made!!

 

It'll either be amazing, or absolutely soul crushing... When you think about it, this isn't that much different from when I was applying at Farmers Markets. It just seems bigger because this is kind of the next step I guess...

 

Either way, I'm terrified yet excited. But either way, gotta keep on moving up at the  only reckless pace I know.

 

Keep on keeping on and taking the big risks!! Ciao for now!!! (btw, all items below are for sale :P)

You Only Fail If You Don't Try

Right?? That's what the saying is?? Because this is sucking pretty hardcore... Like really... Another day at the market and all I have to show for it is a peeling sunburn....

 

But it's not failure because I'm still trying!! So, I haven't really been talking about my Farmer's Market excursions since I started... That's because so far the only thing anyone's bought from me is a couple of sketches... And that was my Mom.... So not going too well...

This has caused me to do some looking inside and hard thinking. This is what I've come up with!

 

1) I have chosen the wrong market! The market that I chose is INCREDIBLY rural, with the

most popular booths being baking and knitting, and other things like that (and Norwex, everybody LOVES Norwex:P). They are simply not interested in more artsy things like hand-woven goods and sketches (that one may be on me, still learning on that front:P).

 

2) I may not do a Farmer's Market again next year. It just doesn't seem to be my thing. I will probably do the odd craft show (hoping for the bigger ones), but I find events like that every weekend to be incredibly draining...

 

3) I think I'm going to see how it goes over the net for the next couple months. A friend of mine has agreed to do my photography for my Etsy site, so I think I'll just chill on that for a while and see how I do for the summer.

 

4) A lot of people seem to be really interested in what I have to sell, but no one is sealing the deal, so maybe I'm just not a good salesperson in person. Maybe I should stick to the internet approach of doing things.

 

Anyways!! The point is I'm not giving up!! I've been told that it would be uncomfortable, and really hard in the beginning, and all I would do was work (which I pretty much do). Of course, for some reason I didn't imagine it being this hard (I see a lot of people on a facebook page I'm on doing things very successfully), but I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an overnight success. I just need to work harder!!

 

I'm thinking of making little bracelets for kids at the market (out of my first go on my Inkle Loom, so I'm not really giving away any prized merch), and then maybe sending out samples to some stores I know display made in Manitoba talent. I was just listening to my fav podcast this morning (you all know the one I'm talkin bout!!), and the guest said something that really resonated with me. I think it was Emily Mcdowell that was being interviewed, and she said that if someone's already doing something, she won't do it. It's not worth her time and she wants to stay innovative.

 

I've listened to this episode probably 100 times now, but it never really struck home until now. No-one else is really doing what I'm doing, so I just need to give it some time and get the hell to work!! With any luck someday (not any time in the near future but oh well) I'll be working from home and doing this for a living.

 

But for now, I must get back to my 9-5, because my "Lunch" half hour is ending (working a late shift today:P).

 

Have a good one!!!

 

The Question of Self Care!!

I am EXHAUSTED!!! I know right? She's talking about this again:P Anyways, from listening to my fav podcast, I'm learning about self care. This is something that, until recently, has been an incredibly foreign concept to me...

I mean, I'm VERY familiar with burnout, mental breakdowns, semi-psychotic episodes (as you all probably know by now:P), but self care? When I thought of self care, I thought of someone going to a spa for like a week and getting pampered and sitting poolside in a bikini and it goes on like that.

Who the hell has the time or money for that?! So I just figured, oh well, not achievable, I'll just ignore it, apparently until my mind and body short circuit on me and my head explodes (not literally, but pretty close). Next thing you know I'm in therapy and my meds have been upped. WHEW!!! But that was last summer!!

I completely agree that the pre-conceived notion (as I so carefully laid out above), is totally insane and unachievable for the average bear. BUT!!! What if that wasn't all that there was to self care?!

SAY WHAT?!

I recently re-listened to an episode of Raise Your Hand Say Yes, where the wise and wonderful Tiffany Han interviews Mara Glatzel about self care. Go listen to it and then come back!! I'll wait!!

..........................................................Back yet?? OK GOOD!!!

Isn't that mind blowing?! It's such a simple concept, and yet it never occurred to me before. If I wasn't burning the candle at both ends, or completely burnt out, I wasn't doing it right!! But self care can be something as simple as making time to read a book, or take a bath, or even to close the door of the bathroom when I have to pee (I can only do this when my hubby is home, because I have a dog who is a Houdini re-incarnate and can get into and out of anything and requires pretty much constant supervision).

So recently I've decided to test this out. I finished reading a book (War of Art, seriously, give 'er a read!!) that wasn't assigned reading in I don't know how long, I've taken baths with a candle lit (I'm a bit of a clutz and our house is made of completely wood, so we limit it to 1), and I'm taking my time doing things and actually enjoying them. I'm meditating more, and have even signed up for an online course on Chakra's given by Lacy Young (another person who I've ranted and raved about)!!

This is all in the effort of just feeling more centered, and not constantly feeling strung out and stressed out. These are NOT good for someone without mental illness, never mind for someone who does!

It's also about Inner Peace, which I personally think goes hand in hand with Self Care, because without Self Care how can you ever hope to achieve Inner Peace?

So basically I'm trying a few different things to try and keep my spirits up, my creative juices flowing, and just feel more centered overall!! Because, as I previously mentioned, things have been kinda bust lately.

But like I've said before, I'm stubborn as hell and now that I'm learning how to take care of myself a little bit better (probably going to do a whole post on Chakra's and all that, so stay tuned:P), so I'll keep it on through the slog!!

Hope everyone is having a great week!! Ciao for now!!

Rethinking and Refocusing!

So! I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, chronic anxiety, and OCD... Not a new thing for me, but if I'm not constantly aware of it, it kind of takes on a life of it's own. It starts to control me! This is not even an over-exaggeration.

Depression makes me want to recede into myself. Anxiety makes me... Well anxious about everything and anything. Oh the anxiety, but we'll touch more on that later. And the OCD makes me want to put everything just so, and if it can't be just so then whatever, it can't be worth it.

All of these little wonders have been giving me chronic tension headaches like I haven't had in YEARS!! On the one hand, I guess it's a good thing because I'm getting out there and trying new things. On the other hand though, they are INCREDIBLY painful (bordering on migraine) and are really not helping me to grow and evolve as a person and as a multi-potentialite. So what the heck!?!

I think this is my body's way of telling my to SLOW DOWN!!!!! Not physically, I'm not really running myself physically ragged (quite the opposite:P Yay Chocolate!!), but mentally. I've been overthinking at a pace that I'm pretty sure a Bullet Train couldn't keep up with (or something else really fast).

I've been worrying and thinking about so many things that my body is starting to react physically. So I kinda zenned (it's a word if I say so) in and tried to refocus. What's really bothering me?

Well, to start I think that it might have started by reading/listening to two inspirational books at the same time, both telling me to GET OUT THERE AND DO WHAT YOU DO BEST!!! MAKE ART!! ...yeah that's all well and good, but it's REALLY not that simple with a mental illness. Like at all! My body was screaming at me, but I'm of the stubborn variety (I could out-stubborn my parents even when I was 5), so I just kept schlepping away at it. Trying to organize/paint/draw/sew, and throw in a little financial worries in there and just exhaustion, things weren't going so hot.

Plus work was being a drag, so on top of all the things going on in my personal life, I was constantly on the edge of tears. Ugh... Just writing this is bringing up all those icky feelings. All of this, along with the wonders of mental illness, brought me to my knees. Something had to stop this swirling in my glass box of emotion:P

So I sat back (in the Sun at my Farmer's Market) and really thought about it. What do I really need to do?? What's REALLY the reason I'm sitting on the edge of a full blown panic attack??

Well, I came up with a whole list of To Do's/Wish Lists/You name it, it was probably on the list. That made me feel much better, because now I get to CROSS IT OFF THE LIST!!! YAY!!! But it also made me think a little deeper about my current Farmer's Market experience...

I don't think I'm in the right crowd for my wares... The market I'm currently at is incredibly rural, and the baking goes the fastest. Clothes/Accessories (except jewelry for some reason?) don't really seem to sell. Things like Norwex, Avon, Epicure, small knitting projects, blankets, etc. seem to go over really well... I have a lot of people come and look at my loom and go "Oh wow!! That's really cool!!", but they don't seem to be terribly interested in what I'm selling. I've decided that I'm going to:
1. Lower my prices for now to maybe help it catch on
2. Set up an Etsy market postey hastey
3. Try trade shows/craft shows in more artsy places over the winter and see how I like it

If Etsy takes off I might just say screw it to the whole Farmer's Markets and just stick with artsy Trade Shows and online sales. I think that's something that's really been bugging me a lot lately. And if the rain stops by tonight, I'm going to start taking pictures of what I've done so far!! There!! It's decided!! I'll do it in my riverstone backyard in front of one of my old elm trees!!

I've reworked things a few times, but I think that this might be my biggest reworking yet. We'll see how the summer goes!!

Ciao for now!!

I Got Nothin'

Hello all!! 41st post!! ...alright I'll stop counting now...

 

Anyways, something interesting happened to me today. I didn't really want to do ANYTHING! Like nothing creative!

 

BUT! I've been reading a book called "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield. AMAZING by the way!! But this lack of drive kind of made me think of this book... It's basically about fighting through a "lack of inspiration" or as he calls it "The Resistance" and doing the work anyways.

 

So I decided to give it a try! This is something I have NEVER done before!! At least not mindfully thinking about it. It was totally weird. At first all I could think about was the million things I have to do at home (there really aren't that many, I made a list the other day and it's no where near as bad as I'm making it out to be:P), or about how instead of writing, maybe I should be drawing, or reading because I have books due back at the library in the near future.

 

Long story short, the muses were not with me. At first that is. A little background to what I'm doing these days (guess I haven't done this in a while!!), is that I'm trying to write a short, literary non-fiction story for a local magazine contest. I'm also trying to come up with new things to draw/sketch out, and I'm trying a thing where I'm pulling it ALL from memory (or many memories of different places all squashed together) and making a scenery drawing. I ADORE drawing scenery. I've gone from a few photo's lately, and it's not the same... Totally different actually, but I'm trying to only look at the horizons and different angles, not the picture itself.

 

Whew!! That was an off-rant and not really where I wanted to go with this. Anyways!! I finally sat down and forced myself to write. Little more background, I love writing, but I hate actually doing it if that makes any sense... I'm complex like that:P So I forced myself to pick up my pen (it looks like a syringe and needle:P) and made myself write for my whole break (15 minutes). It wasn't one of those "never let your pen stop moving things." No, I even set my pen down at times to try and remember exactly what happened. It's a hilarious story, but it happened way back in 2012, so I'm a little fuzzy on all the details.

 

What did I find with this quick little writing exercise? Well, once some of the kinks worked out (def going to be doing some heavy editing in some parts), things actually started to flow. I actually started to get my groove of semi-formal writing back (I consider this informal:P). The weirdest thing I found was that it was actually pretty fun. I guess it's kind of like running for me, I really do enjoy it, but finding time for it and getting my butt out the door is really the hard part.

 

So where does "The War of Art" come in on all of this? Well, I probably never would have tried this little exercise out if I hadn't been reading it (I'm about 2/3 of the way done) and probably wasted time on my phone for the whole 15 minutes of my break. CRAZY PANTS!!

 

If you're looking for an amazing read, I would highly suggest it, along with a bunch of audio books I'm listening to right now (I can't read while I type at work so I just listen).

 

Anyways, have a good one!! Talk soon!!