Not Really

As per my last post, I hit a slump. I'm back now, don't worry! Not going to be posting gloom and doom, but merely food for thought.

Usually when I feeling down, I listen to some pump up feel good music, and try to get myself all jazzed up!! Try to really pump myself up you know. Get inspired by songs about people who just put the bottle down and walk away after drinking for a really long time, or get out of abusive relationships by whatever means necessary. Or listening to songs that just tell you to speak up your mind and you'll feel better, or that just believe and you can keep fighting no matter what.

Well you know what, while these songs are amazing with their stories and morals, they kind of lie. Earlier in the week I was listening to one of these songs (can't remember which one) and the moral was basically if you say what's on your mind, you'll feel better and happy and the world will be sunshine and rainbows.

Meanwhile, holding back tears, my hand wrote, almost of it's own accord, "But it doesn't work like that." This got me thinking back over the years of fighting with mental illness (it's almost been a solid decade now), and it's true. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some truly amazing people who flick away a cigarette or put a beer down after 50 plus years of addiction and say, "yeah, I'm done with that," and I am by no means an expert on addiction. Actually, the only thing I can say that I've ever been truly addicted to is chocolate, and I'm not quite ready to deal with that yet:P

On a more serious note though, most of us aren't like that. Most of us don't have that "Country Strong" resolve to just say, "I'm going to be this way now, and I will suddenly be happy, and little birds will follow me everywhere." 

I have been trying this approach with my depression and my life in general for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't work. It may give you a temporary mood boost. It may break you out of a funk for the duration of the song. But then there are those truly AWFUL days where they have the opposite effect. 

"Why aren't I like that? Why don't I have that much control of my body and mind to be able to do that?" I remember when I first started to truly feel the tug of my first what I guess I'll call psychotic episode. I listened to every pump up song, and fuck you world song pretty much ever made. I looked at motivational things online (I think this was pre-pinterest) that I could find, and still I felt hollow. I screamed things out to the public online like "I feel free now!!" or "Happiness is a choice I'm making." 

But that's not really how it works. For some people it might, but I think for most of us it doesn't. For most of us, we need real help. I didn't realize it until I wrote that little note on the side of some random scratch paper laying around on my desk, but it really doesn't work like that. I've been doing to myself, telling myself, what I've been rallying against other people telling me for the better part of a decade.

IF YOU JUST TRIED HARDER TO BE HAPPY, YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! JUST SNAP OUT OF IT STUPID!!

Sitting at my desk, trying to work through a particularly tricky insurance claim, this revelation almost brought me to tears and completely blew my mind. This is totally unfair and unacceptable behaviour from anyone, especially myself. ESPECIALLY myself. The roots of stigma against Mental Health run deep enough in the world itself, I don't need them weaving their way into my way of thinking, and dealing, too. 

If you look hard enough on the internet (and by hard enough I mean a quick google search), you will hear amazing stories of people who, like in the songs, just changed their way of thinking, or hardened their resolve, and immediately got better. And if they can do it, why can't weaklings like me? Well, not to put it bluntly, but my depression comes from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Telling a person like me, and there are a lot of us out there, some too terrified to come forward and be judged, to just "think happier" or "snap out of it" would be like telling someone who just broke their arm to "think positive and you'll be fine, you don't need a doctor for that." My favourite comparison, though, is the heart attack analogy.

I recently told someone very close to me why I'm exhausted all the time, and why I pretty much need to go to bed by 9pm every night. Her answer? Those are just excuses. Now, after a truly shitty week, that was almost a tear jerker, but I've learned not to let the uneducated see the true impact of their words on me. But, just for shits and giggles, let's bring in that good old heart attack analogy. When I'm in a psychotic episode (not taking care of myself properly, living on junk food, dragging myself out of bed in the morning, and wanting to do nothing more then to somehow get rid of all the pent up negative feelings I have), when someone tells me, "you're just using mental illness as an excuse", that would be like someone telling someone who is having a heart attack to "just walk it off, you'll be fine."

Just because you can't see it, doesn't make it any less valid of a medical condition. This is something even pop-culture is still not even aware of it seems. Poor Robin Williams was a sad reminder of that. Because truly, the happiest looking people always wear the best masks. Just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm ok. Doesn't mean that I'm on medication that make it so that I can get out of bed in the morning, but also can make me dizzy as hell. Doesn't mean anything.

So, I'm not sure if this was just a rant I needed to get out at some hurt I've felt over the last week (or longer, my Grannie's death is still bothering me more than I know), or an actual blog post with an actual point.

But there is one point I want to make, and if this is the only one that anyone takes away from this, I'll go to bed a little happier tonight.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT!!!! THE WORLD IS TRULY A BRIGHTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT, DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

Rethinking and Refocusing!

So! I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, chronic anxiety, and OCD... Not a new thing for me, but if I'm not constantly aware of it, it kind of takes on a life of it's own. It starts to control me! This is not even an over-exaggeration.

Depression makes me want to recede into myself. Anxiety makes me... Well anxious about everything and anything. Oh the anxiety, but we'll touch more on that later. And the OCD makes me want to put everything just so, and if it can't be just so then whatever, it can't be worth it.

All of these little wonders have been giving me chronic tension headaches like I haven't had in YEARS!! On the one hand, I guess it's a good thing because I'm getting out there and trying new things. On the other hand though, they are INCREDIBLY painful (bordering on migraine) and are really not helping me to grow and evolve as a person and as a multi-potentialite. So what the heck!?!

I think this is my body's way of telling my to SLOW DOWN!!!!! Not physically, I'm not really running myself physically ragged (quite the opposite:P Yay Chocolate!!), but mentally. I've been overthinking at a pace that I'm pretty sure a Bullet Train couldn't keep up with (or something else really fast).

I've been worrying and thinking about so many things that my body is starting to react physically. So I kinda zenned (it's a word if I say so) in and tried to refocus. What's really bothering me?

Well, to start I think that it might have started by reading/listening to two inspirational books at the same time, both telling me to GET OUT THERE AND DO WHAT YOU DO BEST!!! MAKE ART!! ...yeah that's all well and good, but it's REALLY not that simple with a mental illness. Like at all! My body was screaming at me, but I'm of the stubborn variety (I could out-stubborn my parents even when I was 5), so I just kept schlepping away at it. Trying to organize/paint/draw/sew, and throw in a little financial worries in there and just exhaustion, things weren't going so hot.

Plus work was being a drag, so on top of all the things going on in my personal life, I was constantly on the edge of tears. Ugh... Just writing this is bringing up all those icky feelings. All of this, along with the wonders of mental illness, brought me to my knees. Something had to stop this swirling in my glass box of emotion:P

So I sat back (in the Sun at my Farmer's Market) and really thought about it. What do I really need to do?? What's REALLY the reason I'm sitting on the edge of a full blown panic attack??

Well, I came up with a whole list of To Do's/Wish Lists/You name it, it was probably on the list. That made me feel much better, because now I get to CROSS IT OFF THE LIST!!! YAY!!! But it also made me think a little deeper about my current Farmer's Market experience...

I don't think I'm in the right crowd for my wares... The market I'm currently at is incredibly rural, and the baking goes the fastest. Clothes/Accessories (except jewelry for some reason?) don't really seem to sell. Things like Norwex, Avon, Epicure, small knitting projects, blankets, etc. seem to go over really well... I have a lot of people come and look at my loom and go "Oh wow!! That's really cool!!", but they don't seem to be terribly interested in what I'm selling. I've decided that I'm going to:
1. Lower my prices for now to maybe help it catch on
2. Set up an Etsy market postey hastey
3. Try trade shows/craft shows in more artsy places over the winter and see how I like it

If Etsy takes off I might just say screw it to the whole Farmer's Markets and just stick with artsy Trade Shows and online sales. I think that's something that's really been bugging me a lot lately. And if the rain stops by tonight, I'm going to start taking pictures of what I've done so far!! There!! It's decided!! I'll do it in my riverstone backyard in front of one of my old elm trees!!

I've reworked things a few times, but I think that this might be my biggest reworking yet. We'll see how the summer goes!!

Ciao for now!!

Hallelujah for Modern Pharmaceuticals!!!

Let the angels sing!!! I have had a good night sleep!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!! This is the first time I can actually say I've had a decent sleep since... Hmmm... I can't really remember!!

So... Why don't I sleep? I'm kind of feeling like this might be a segway into another part of my creativity, which is mental health. I am a strong believer in awareness of this, as there is still a lot of stigma associated with it. I have been fighting with depression for the better part of a decade now, ranging from mild to pretty severe. I've had suicidal thoughts, I've made plans to kill myself. It's a real thing.

Was there anything going on in my life at the time? Not really. There were some big changes happening (I moved to the city to go to College), but nothing bad or troublesome. I had a lot of fun in College. I had a boyfriend for the first time, so it was strange having to think of someone else all the time, but again, nothing major.

However, all these little things added up to big things. Not to mention genetics. Like some people may be pre-disposed to diabetes, or heart conditions, I am pre-disposed to mental illness. It runs very strong on both sides of my family. I have a great Aunt on my mom's side who is bipolar, and both the men and women in both my mom and dad's families have depression.

So, I could have had a life full of daisies and sunshine, but I pretty much was screwed from the start. Again, much like if everyone in my family had a heart condition, I would have to be very careful as well.

Why am I telling you all this? Because yesterday, due to a severe lack of sleep, I had a borderline manic episode and had to call in sick to work to go to my doctors. This would be comparable to someone with a heart condition not feeling well and having to get their meds adjusted.

Why am I constantly comparing mental illness to physical illness? BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING!!!!! But why are people with mental illness singled out as different? STIGMA!! I have dealt with this most of my adult life, and it's just tiresome. Sure, it's the 21st century and most people don't really care much either way, but you would be surprised at how many closed minded people there are still out there today.

Like, would you tell someone who broke their ankle to "walk it off, if you ignore it, it'll get better?" NO!! That would be stupid!! You would take them to the hospital. So when someone tells a person with a mental illness to just "suck it up," it's completely devastating. Why should we always be singled out?

And because of people singling us out, a lot of people, especially men, are afraid to get help. They're afraid of what people will say/think of them. I, personally, have been told that anti-depressants "make you crazy, and if you just exercise a lot you'll be fine." Yeah... Been there, tried that, kinda wanted to die. I've also been told that "the pills are a placebo," and I've actually had people get mad at me for taking them.

Or another Classic Solution is just to "think about all you have in life, you have so much to be thankful for." Yeah, obviously, but you wouldn't tell the same thing to a person who's sick in bed with the flu to just "think about something else, it's all mind over matter."

But I digress! I have about a million more of these stories, some personal, some not, but they all say the same thing, "It's all in your head."  Yeah, maybe it is, but there's also a lot of chemicals all in your head and sometimes they're a lil bit outta wack, so medications help. I could go into all the scientifics of them all (cuz boy do I know them, and you bet I've used them), but you get the idea.

Parting thought? If not for modern pharmaceuticals I would either a) be in a mental institute, or b) be dead. So, think about that before you say something to someone with a mental illness, or bash on the medications that they need to take to, usually, survive.

Peace out y'all, keep on rockin!! :P

A couple of the many prescriptions I've tried to control my depression.