Hallelujah for Modern Pharmaceuticals!!!

Let the angels sing!!! I have had a good night sleep!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!! This is the first time I can actually say I've had a decent sleep since... Hmmm... I can't really remember!!

So... Why don't I sleep? I'm kind of feeling like this might be a segway into another part of my creativity, which is mental health. I am a strong believer in awareness of this, as there is still a lot of stigma associated with it. I have been fighting with depression for the better part of a decade now, ranging from mild to pretty severe. I've had suicidal thoughts, I've made plans to kill myself. It's a real thing.

Was there anything going on in my life at the time? Not really. There were some big changes happening (I moved to the city to go to College), but nothing bad or troublesome. I had a lot of fun in College. I had a boyfriend for the first time, so it was strange having to think of someone else all the time, but again, nothing major.

However, all these little things added up to big things. Not to mention genetics. Like some people may be pre-disposed to diabetes, or heart conditions, I am pre-disposed to mental illness. It runs very strong on both sides of my family. I have a great Aunt on my mom's side who is bipolar, and both the men and women in both my mom and dad's families have depression.

So, I could have had a life full of daisies and sunshine, but I pretty much was screwed from the start. Again, much like if everyone in my family had a heart condition, I would have to be very careful as well.

Why am I telling you all this? Because yesterday, due to a severe lack of sleep, I had a borderline manic episode and had to call in sick to work to go to my doctors. This would be comparable to someone with a heart condition not feeling well and having to get their meds adjusted.

Why am I constantly comparing mental illness to physical illness? BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING!!!!! But why are people with mental illness singled out as different? STIGMA!! I have dealt with this most of my adult life, and it's just tiresome. Sure, it's the 21st century and most people don't really care much either way, but you would be surprised at how many closed minded people there are still out there today.

Like, would you tell someone who broke their ankle to "walk it off, if you ignore it, it'll get better?" NO!! That would be stupid!! You would take them to the hospital. So when someone tells a person with a mental illness to just "suck it up," it's completely devastating. Why should we always be singled out?

And because of people singling us out, a lot of people, especially men, are afraid to get help. They're afraid of what people will say/think of them. I, personally, have been told that anti-depressants "make you crazy, and if you just exercise a lot you'll be fine." Yeah... Been there, tried that, kinda wanted to die. I've also been told that "the pills are a placebo," and I've actually had people get mad at me for taking them.

Or another Classic Solution is just to "think about all you have in life, you have so much to be thankful for." Yeah, obviously, but you wouldn't tell the same thing to a person who's sick in bed with the flu to just "think about something else, it's all mind over matter."

But I digress! I have about a million more of these stories, some personal, some not, but they all say the same thing, "It's all in your head."  Yeah, maybe it is, but there's also a lot of chemicals all in your head and sometimes they're a lil bit outta wack, so medications help. I could go into all the scientifics of them all (cuz boy do I know them, and you bet I've used them), but you get the idea.

Parting thought? If not for modern pharmaceuticals I would either a) be in a mental institute, or b) be dead. So, think about that before you say something to someone with a mental illness, or bash on the medications that they need to take to, usually, survive.

Peace out y'all, keep on rockin!! :P

A couple of the many prescriptions I've tried to control my depression.

Three Cheers for Insomnia!!

Good morning peeps of the internet!!

...and good lord is it ever morning... It's currently rainy, miserable, Saturday, and I'm at work... Ugh... Not to mention I've been up since 3am... UGH...

Anyways, that's all the complaining, I swear!! I'm pretty used to the insomnia, I come from a long line of light/crummy sleepers. Today, however, I decided to try something different. With this style school I'm in, we're encouraged to dress how we want to portray ourselves and how we want to feel. So, instead of throwing on the first, usually dark and baggy, thing I saw, I decided to dress how I wanted to feel. AWAKE!! Imagine that :P

So, I have donned a skirt and bright shirt combo, and have accessorized myself all up! How do I feel? A lil bit better! I mean I'm still completely exhausted, but I don't feel like complete crap. Woohoo!!! ...the hot chocolate is for sure helping...

Isn't that insane though?? Just from what I'm wearing?? Gotta say that I'm absolutely loving this so far!! What will I discover next?? Nobody knows!!

Whelp, that's all I have for now, my brain is still quite fuzzy :P

Waking up and showing up!!

Even my puppies are sleepy...

Baby Gone Back... IN TIME!!

This has been a lllooonnnggg week. This is only my second day back at work, but ermagerd I'm ready for it to stop. Needless to say, I've been incredibly busy. Like INCREDIBLY busy.

I went to my first teaching MLHS function on Wednesday (5/25/2016), and it was a total blast!! The leadup was the exhausting part... A little back story, the founder of the organization is getting older, and has been doing far to much for far to long. So, because I'm a huge sucker with a big truck, I volunteered to help out and tote stuff from our shed (approx. 15 minutes out of the city), bring it to the event, and take it back afterwards. Much more work then I thought it would be, yet not more then I expected:P

Anyways, as a result most of my weekend was devoted to this. First off, it was a long weekend to start with, and I'm booked to work tomorrow (Saturday), so as a result I got the Tuesday off as well. The perfect volunteer!! So, Saturday I was shopping all thrifty like (more on that later), Sunday I spent my whole afternoon and part of my evening gathering everything up for the VPRR (Visit the People of Red River), Monday I was running errands most of the day and working on my Farmer's Market content, and finally Tuesday I was running errands and dropping things off at the location we would be at. By Wednesday I was pre-tired.

Then it was Wednesday!! Yay!! I was assigned to lead the candle making station. I was nervous as hell (didn't really sleep the night before) because I'd never done it before, but it ended up being super fun!! And I learned how they made candles in 1812!! How cool is that?! To them it was something that they needed, for me it was learning a new skill to add to my awesome arsenal of crafty stuff!! Yay!! I also had a lot of fun learning about all of the other stations that were set up as well. Super fun!!

After we went through all the stations, I reloaded my truck (with a little help of course), and headed back out to the shed. I REALLY would've preferred to go home to bed... But off I went and unloaded everything just as it started to rain. It didn't really open up until I had already unpacked everything and was on my way home (whew!!). A fun day had by all!

But what did this mean for lil introverted ole me?? PURE EXHAUSTION!! Tara Swiger (love her info on introverts) defines introverts as people who get their energy from being alone, not from other people. This pretty much defines me!! I am for sure an outgoing introvert, but things like this leave me exhausted and frazzled. There's another event that they're doing on Saturday (tomorrow) that I'm unable to attend because of work, which is kind of a blessing in disguise. I won't be completely alone to zone out and recharge, but at least I can put on my headphones, turn on a podcast and just work. Then I have all Sunday to recharge/clean my house (in all this busy it's gotten incredibly messy).

Anyways, I kind of wanted to go into more detail about the candle making, as this was super fun and a creative endeavor that I've never undertaken but REALLY wanted to. First off I got to see and know all of the different kinds of lights that were used, and I'm planning on building a rush light. This was used by poorer people and was simply a dried out bulrush dipped in animal fat, dried out again, and then lit. MLHS currently doesn't have an example of this and it sounds really fun to try out:) There were different types of lanterns, candle holders, and even an old-fashioned oil lamp. History combined with creativeness, I was in seventh heaven!!

The candles themselves were commonly made with tallow, or animal fat. Apparently they burn smelly and greasy (we didn't actually light one), and don't give off very much light. So we basically melted the tallow (we had bear and buffalo) on a hot plate (NOT historically accurate, but we didn't have all day, or a fire), tied our wick (approx. the length of a sheet of paper) to a wooden dowel (they would have used sticks), and dipped into the tallow to our heart's content. The hardest part for the kids to get was that you had to dip QUICK!! The longer you held the wick in the hot tallow, the more would melt off from your previous dips and your candle would actually get skinnier! O dear!! Some of them had great candles, while others were still very skinny... They all seemed to have fun anyways!! I know I sure did!! Made a real mess, but my hands have never been softer!!

My next post (hopefully a little quicker to come out then this one...) will probably be a continuation of my Style School capers, and will probably touch on my content for the summer.

My outfit for the day.

Inspired by the laundry station a the VPRR:)

Zzz...

Yes, my title is a snore. That is the approximate energy level I am operating on today... Maybe I'm getting sick? I'm also kinda bummed out that this time last year (even though I'm pretty sure I was near death) I was packing it up to go to the Rocky Mountains... This year I plan on sleeping. Such is my life :P

So, I just posted yesterday. What the heck could I have done since then?? Anything super interesting? Did I just post to complain about how tired I am? No and no:P I didn't do anything amazing last night. I mean, I planned out some merchandise stuff for MAHTA, and some of the things that I'd like to cover in the next newsletter (to be decided tomorrow night, another meeting... Ugh...). No, that's not really what I think is interesting right now.

This morning, after checking my email box, facebook, etc., I decided to check my spam box. There I found an email from Tara Swiger (I had signed up for her newsletter a while ago and had forgotten about it), with a little gem in it. Craft Sale's for Introverts. It's like it was meant for me!

Back story, I am a ridiculously introverted person, and being around people for any amount of time completely drains my energy. I'm also incredibly outgoing (or try to be), but I get no energy whatsoever from being around people, and I HATE reasoning things out out loud. HATE it. I'd rather talk to people through email or text message than actually call them or seek them out. This has been problematic in the past, but I've kind of come to accept it as just me.

Apparently there are other people out there who are introverts who are trying to somewhat do the same thing as me. Who knew!! In her podcast she has multiple tips for introverts stuck in an extrovert world of business. HALLELUJAH!! I was so drawn in to what she was saying I even took notes on it for this summer.

It's not easy being an introvert in an extroverts world.

PS. This was supposed to be published on the 19th, but apparently I hit save instead of publish:P OOPS!!!!

Flyin by the Seat of my Pants

HOLY MOLY IT'S WEDNESDAY!!! Tonight is literally the only night I'll have at home to myself, and that's only because I cancelled an event I was supposed to go to... UGH...

So, what have I been doing?? Well, Monday night was my first ever art critique... Ugh... Everyone was super nice, but I feel like I'm still digesting everything... When I said that everything that I had done so far was self taught, it was almost discounted... Like I should go and take some classes right now... If I wanted to take classes I would have by now, I just don't have time. Another suggestion was to join a group. Yeah, this might be fun, but right now I really prefer to work on my skills by myself... Ugh... Just been bugging me ya know:P

Anyways, so that was Monday night and my first ever professional critique. Not too sure if I'd do another. I didn't get home until pretty late on Monday, but as a huge bonus I didn't work until noon yesterday (Tuesday) so I got to sleep off a bit of my unhappiness with life recently.

Now, Monday was also the official start of my Style School, and our power song outfit challenge. This is basically listening to a pre-selected song and picking out an outfit that goes with it. This has really been stoking me up all week and I've really been having fun with it. On Monday the song was Katy Perry's "Roar", to which I responded with my beloved orange top and some semi-shimmery black pants. I REALLY wasn't feeling it at all to be honest. I was SUPER worried about my crit that evening, but whatevs right:P Yesterday, however, I dawned the most colourful outfit I've worn in a lllooonnnggg time! It was super fun! And super weird. I'm not used to giving what I wear more than a once over to make sure there's no terrible stains on it.

Today, however, I had some real fun with it! The song was "I Will Survive," which some of you may or may not know, is sung by a talking pug named Frank on Men in Black 2. My natural reaction to this song? Suit up MIB style!! So much fun!! There's a pic of it down below:P

This whole clothing thing is a whole new side of creative that I haven't even begun to explore! I'm having a real hoot! Who knew right? This was totally something out of left field that I wanted to try out, not  expecting all this. We are also doing exercises to find out what's inside (true personality) so that it can match the outside. First off we had to petition family and friends to come up with three words that best describe us. The response was amazing!! I made a wordcloud for a pump up:P

Anyways, I'm having a super time experiencing and playing with this new type of creativity:) Now to plan my Born to be Wild outfit for tomorrow:D

Men in Black style... With bare feet:P

Feeling Colourful!!

What others think of me:P

Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire

Whew!! Still slogging down that ole road!!

Another busy weekend has come and gone, and it's Monday again... Ugh... As everyone knows, I HATE Mondays. Like a lot. Ugh... Anyways, there's a couple things going on today that are making my Monday slightly better!

First and foremost, Style School has kicked off officially!! Yay!! This is super exciting, and I've been looking forward to it for a lllooonnnnggg time!! ...it has also become very apparent that I need to figure out how to accessorize... Like badly!!

This, however, is not what I'm currently panicking about. I also have my very first Art Critique tonight... AHH!!! I know that I've mentioned it previously, but it seems to have come up wwwaaayyy too fast. Whew!! I still have no idea which piece to bring... Like none... Ugh... I asked my sister on Friday evening which one she liked best, and she picked my tree pic.

Now, if you recall, this was something I sketched out after having a complete and total meltdown. What does this pic mean to me? You might not be able to see it in my artwork, still a rookie here, but I think that it's something that calms me. I love to sketch and paint nature, or things that I think are old and have some history. LOVE history. Hm... Going further into introspection, maybe this is why I'm so obsessed with drawing The Forks. Anyways, my house was built in 1923, and is one of the oldest houses in the neighbourhood. I can only assume that the tree has been there almost as long. That's what drew me to it (no pun intended :P) I guess. Thinking about who planted it, or who watched it grow. How the neighbourhood has changed since it was planted/planted itself. How my little house has changed in that long period of time. Interesting to think about, isn't it?

I think I just solved my own question about my artwork. The bulk of it is history related, which elicits REALLY strong emotions in me that I draw. ...and I just really like large bodies of water... It's a thing, I'm OK with it.

Aside from this being possibly the most scatter-brained post to date, it's also been VERY insightful for me. When I started typing I had no idea why I drew that tree. I didn't know what the concept behind my art was. But, even though I didn't know outright, the answer really doesn't surprise me. It's kind of soothing in a way, and exciting to know that I can change it whenever I want and go in any direction I chose. This is just for me.

I'll let you know how she goes!!! Now I'm not nearly as nervous :)

Thrifty Business

Hi all!! Happy Friday the 13th!!!

Finally the weekend... It's been another rough week for me, my Grannie's funeral was a couple of days ago, so I've pretty much been a total basketcase since then. But the show must go on, and she wouldn't have wanted me to be miserable.

So, what have I been up to? Surprisingly, LOTS!! I haven't drawn or painted anything for a little while, but I'll probably get on that this weekend, as I have my very first art critique on Monday!!! AHHH!!!

A little backround on me. I didn't take any art classes in school. I've only had 2 official art classes, and those were in acrylic painting a few years ago. The only people who really look at my art are usually family, or random people on the internet who I not only don't know. No one who really knows who their talking about has ever looked at my art (or at least not that I know of), so this is a TOTALLY new thing for me! I'm terrified, but also super excited... Raise Your Hand Say Yes right?

So how did this critique come about? Well, a couple months ago I signed up for a group called MAWA (Mentoring Artists for Women's Art). They have a mentorship program (the one that I missed the application deadline for:(), and they also have workshops, etc. Well I signed up for their email updates, and their monthly Crit Club popped up. It intrigued me, and when I looked into it further I thought "What the hell, why not!!" and signed up. Then it hit me. What had I done?!? I've never been critiqued!! My art has always been pretty private, and it's only been VERY recent that I've actually opened up my sketchbook and showed the world. This is truly terrifying!!

But I have to do it!! I'm huge on facing your fears head on, and when my imposter complex kicks in, just saying "Yeah, you know what, this is scary, but guaranteed it won't be as bad as you're making it out to be." Pretty sure nothing could be that bad; I have an incredibly vivid imagination. It's both my trump card and Achilles heal:P This is super important to me though!! I've just gotten confirmation that I will, in fact, be having a booth at a Farmer's Market this summer, and since I plan on selling my art I should probably start showing the world a lil bit more... Still terrifying though!!

AAAHHH!!!! Speaking of terrifying, I also went to a couple thrift stores for the first time in my life last night. Pretty sure I was expecting dumpy gross-ness, but that was NOT what I got!! Once I learn what will look good on my body, and what is actually my style, I for sure will not be going retail. WWWAYYY to expensive. Like WWWWAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! I found a bunch of stuff with tags still on that were original $50 marked down to like $10!!! WHOAH!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!

Come on Style School and Art Critique!!! Needless to say, next week is going to be terrifyingly awesome:) I'll probably be writing a lot about it next week.

Ciao for now!!

Stack of clothes I donated... They don't fit!!

Same pile, different chair:P

My tree art... I may have already posted this... Not too sure:P

May the 4th be with You (And Revenge of the 5th)

Yes, I'm a proud nerd! And so I say, May the 4th be with you!!

It seems like a lifetime since I last posted anything. A lot has happened in the last couple of days, namely my Grannie suddenly passing away. So it's been a devastating week all around. At the moment this is an experimental post.

 

Creative-wise I actually haven't been doing too badly. I started this post yesterday (Star Wars Day :P), but just didn't have the heart to finish. Anyways, I did get a lot of crafty stuff done yesterday. I painted 2 pictures (water colour!), and did a sketch of The Forks again.

 

Side bar, The Forks is a pretty big tourist destination here in Winnipeg and probably my favourite place in the city. It's super historic (previously established that I'm nerdy that way), there's lots of cool original shops, and it's beautiful to just sit by the river. Anyways, I went there last Friday on my last day of holidays and it has since become my favourite place to sketch (apparently). I've done 2 now (see below), and after tagging The Forks in it via hashtags, they've liked both of my pictures right away on Instagram. It might not seem like much, but I personally am SUPER STOKED!! I'm pretty excited that my artwork is starting to get noticed.

Which means that now I really have to update my Instagram personal info and let people know that I'm actually selling stuff now... Ugh... Work... It was also really exciting that my cousin recognized right away what I drew. I'm kind of all about artistic interpretation. When I try to draw something exactly how it actually looks, if it doesn't look EXACTLY like the actual object I get super down on myself. Even though I really shouldn't (I'm still pretty new at this, and am for sure not a camera), so I've decided to stop trying. If it looks close enough to what it actually is, I'm good.

I've also taken my first step towards official abstract painting. I couldn't think of what else to paint, so I just grabbed the colours that I liked and kinda smeared them all a page. When I was done I kinda thought it looked like fireworks, but when I showed it to my sister and cousin they both agreed that it looked like autumn leaves. That really intrigues me! It wasn't supposed to be anything, just a smear of colours on a canvas, but it turned out to be a possible 2 things. And that's just from the 3 of us. Mind blowing right?!?

This has kind of been a therapeutic post, I'm still incredibly out of sorts and not quite myself. Now I can definitely see how art and writing can be used for therapy. I feel slightly better already :)

Thanks to all who suffered through:) I should be more myself and back to my regular endeavors next post (hopefully).

Garfield had the Right Idea

Ugh... Monday... First Monday back at work...

First off, I feel the need to apologize for my lack of internet presence over the last week. I've been having a blast on a staycation, and today is my first day back at work.

So, how did my first Monday start? It started with me forgetting to turn my alarm back on, so I woke up at the time I was supposed to catch the bus... Yay me!! Anyways, stole my hubby's truck and made it to work on time, only to fight through a mountain of emails and tasks that have been compiling.

Anyways, enough negative! I had a fantastic week off!! I got some weaving done, got some painting done, sent off my application for a Farmer's Market, and overall just recharged a lil bit. It was fantastic (minus the previously mentioned spaz attack with the sewing machine).

I also played Slow Pitch for the first time in... The better part of a decade I would have to say... It was SUPER fun, and I'm playing with a great group of peeps. However, and I don't know if I've mentioned this yet or not, I have a REALLY hard time going back to something that I used to be good at when I was younger and finding that I now suck. Harsh right? I would never in a million years think that way about anyone else. I would applaud them for trying and being brave enough to get back into it. Me though? NOPE! In my perfectionists mind I have to be equally good, or better than, I used to be. No matter how long it's been since I last did it.

Horse riding is another example of this. When I was in high school I was pretty darn good at it. I was winning ribbons and taking names. But I was also riding multiple times a week, and the Bank of Parents was still open for business. Now that I'm an adult with actual bills, priorities, and family (fur family counts too!), I actually have financial constraints. So, I rode less and less, and eventually stopped. Last summer I decided that I would try a new type of riding (I used to show in hunter/jumper), endurance riding, with a friend of mine. She even let me borrow her horse in exchange for helping out around the barn.

The result? Disaster. For some reason, my brain was expecting me to hop right back in the saddle and be able to ride for hours on end, after not riding at all for a couple of years. The horse I was riding was also a spooky Arabian, and though very sweet, she seemed to think that the world was conspiring against her. Now, back in the day this was no issue. Hell, I learned how to ride on a VERY SIMILAR spooky Arabian who's greatest ambition in the world was to buck me off (sometimes rodeo style). I had developed quite a deep seat, and horses were very hard-pressed getting me off. This was what my brain was expecting; something my poor body could no longer deliver.

The first time I fell off, I had a complete meltdown (the fact that I was changing anti-depressants at the time did NOT help matters). The second time, I hadn't quite recovered from my first meltdown and dissolved into tears of frustration again. The third time, I gave up and walked my horse the remaining 10km of the event. I was done. My mind couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my body could no longer deliver to the impossible standards of a cocky 18 year old.

The same thing (minus the multiple melt-downs) happened at Slow Pitch. I was writing cheques my body couldn't cash. Growing up I played quite often (my Mom was super into it so I naturally practiced lots), so I wasn't half bad. I had never really played competitively before, but this is a beer league, so no biggie. Right?

Well, after being unable to manage nothing better then a bunt, and being totally winded after running the bases (with a break at each one), something dawned on me. I'M NOT 18 ANYMORE!! Not to mention the fact that the most physical thing I've done all winter is climbing stairs and walking 2 blocks twice a day. The hardest thing about all of this? Letting myself be ok with it! Letting myself know that I'll get better as the summer goes on and not to worry about it. This isn't the Olympics, and as long as I'm having fun who gives a bibble?

I mean, yeah, my legs were killing me by the end of the night, and the day after I was given a cruel reminder that I do in fact have abdominal muscles. And thigh muscles. And calf muscles. And muscles in my arms. OWWWW!!! Moving for the next couple days was not that much fun. But I did it. And I'll do it again this week (and this weekend, we have a tournament...).

The moral of my random rantings (that isn't entirely creative, but for sure applies to it), it's OK to suck at something that you used to be good at! The skills will come back if you give them time, and NO ONE is holding you to anywhere near the standards you're holding yourself to. Not-a-one!! Give yourself room to grow and you will, and you'll probably come out better then you were before!

Anyways, enough preaching for one day!! :P Hopefully my next post will be a lil more creative-based, but the moral applies to creativity as well, so close enough. :)

My pretty new glove :)