The More I Learn the Less I Know!!

Do you ever think you may have mastered something, just to find out you had NO CLUE what you were doing?? Happens to me all the time!! I think I'm understanding something and then BAM!!! Out of no where my mind is totally blown again!!

This seems to be especially true in my creative process. Or rather, in trying to plan out my business. I've tried to go back to basics and start from the ground up with branding... BUT I have so many ideas of where it could go, or where I want it to go, or colours, or themes, or... Well everything to be honest! I think I have it figured out, then I look at some old notes, or I get another idea from somewhere and I'm off again!!

Then there's all of the things that you're "supposed to know." I won't lie, I just learned what an SEO campaign was like two days ago, and that's because I googled it... And all the social media stuff!! I don't know about you all, but I get SO BORED on it!! Especially the comparing. I am a Type A to the core, and so if I see something that someone else has done (doesn't even have to be similar) and it looks better then something I've done I subconsciously give up. This is quickly followed by consciously giving up, and convincing myself that I don't like whatever it is I'm doing anymore.

Yup, I'm a balls to the wall, jump in with both feet kinda gal, who's quickly learning that this doesn't pair well with perfectionism. Nope, not at all. I'm learning though!

Last summer was a prime example of that. Was I ready for that Farmer's Market? Hell no!! Did I look like a complete and total amateur next to everyone else there? You bet!! But I showed the hell up every weekend, with my tiny little table and minimal stock. I would sit there and weave on my loom, or sew my stuff. I had two little signs (started with three but I got rid of one) that were obviously home made and looked kinda tacky (I'm working on it:P), a bright flowery tablecloth from Dollarama, and, by the end, two foam heads set up on a tub with some material thrown over it. The colour scheme was a mess, nothing matched, and I found out that I am worse at sales then I thought I was.

But I was there. I did it and I learned a lot. WITHOUT the internet and social media and etsy and all those other stores. SO! I'm doing a personal re-brand (we'll see how this works:P) and getting some professional looking stuff for my table. I haven't given up, but I will for sure be returning a few books to the library. You know why, because while they're interesting, I don't really need them. I've mastered the art of mailchimp, I'm blogging up a storm, I have an Etsy and Facebook page, and in the near(ish) future I plan on opening up a website.

So you know what!! Let's all take some risks here and git 'r done!! We don't need all these fancy courses or books or anything!! Just do the work!!

Well... That's my manifesto for the day...

Now it's time to get to work :P

C'iao for now!!!

Putting the Self in Care!!

Another weekend has come and gone, and I've been a little bit productive, but mostly I'm self-caring it up!! Only doing things that I really enjoy:)

Like sleeping! I am a chronic insomniac. Have you ever seen that meme where it says, "You're damn right I'm good in bed, I could sleep for days!!" Yeah, that's my dream. I go for quantity over quality. Which is why I go to bed at a time that some people would think is obscenely early, and can still sleep in like a teenager (NOT a teenager:P).

Anyways, I pretty much slept Saturday away and it was GLORIOUS!!! I think I fiddled around with my Etsy shop, Facebook, etc. but didn't really do anything too momentous (other than REMOVING ALL SHIPPING PRICES ON ETSY!!!!). AMAZING!!! 

Today though, today I got shit done!! ...well kinda... I was up and at 'em early early (like, 10:45am early), and checking out city markets. I have come to a conclusion... Other than one of the consignment stores I cold-called lied when they said that they had similar products to mine in their store, I discovered that a Manitoba Farmer's Market is a Manitoba Farmer's Market... It's all pretty much the same thing... But, if I do decide to dive into the madness again, I really need to rethink and revamp my set up.

First off, a tent would be WONDERFUL!!! It seems to add a level of professionalism, and shade. Never forget the shade. My burns from a month ago are still unhappy with me... Not to mention a bigger table!! I've got lotsa stuff, and my repertoire is growing all the time, so a bigger table is a must! I'm probably also going to need some sort of actual display to make things look pretty and yeah... But for that I'll need a bigger table... Hmm...

Anyways!!! After that I wandered around for a lil bit, then went on my way to buy some dog food and run some errands. Since I was home by noon, I had plenty of time to FINALLY finish off my mirror (forgot to mention that I bought more paint the day before). It matches everything and I'm SO EXCITED!!!! My room is becoming very zen and totally my space. It's amazing!!  Now I need to hang it up... THEN I move on to my closet/wardrobe thingy. Right now it's a plain woodgrain, but it needs some zazzing up!! I'm thinking.... Blue? Hahahaha :P I am for sure thinking of keeping the walls yellow, but less of a bile-ish yellow, and more of a happy sunny yellow.

So, the point of this post? Instead of doing anything "on the clock", I just chilled out and took things at my own pace. This is my favourite pace. Nice and relaxing, but still pretty productive. I have to go and retrieve my loom from MLHS to keep up my weaving, not too mention FINALLY sew my bag together... But this weekend none of that mattered. I did what I wanted, and planned out what I wanted. Not to mention spent some quality time with the hubby and the puppies.

Yup, every once in a while you have to slow down, chill out, and let all the stress of the last couple weeks just kinda melt off and remember that life is good!! Time to live it!!!

Have a good one!! Talk soon y'all!! Live it up!!

Not Really

As per my last post, I hit a slump. I'm back now, don't worry! Not going to be posting gloom and doom, but merely food for thought.

Usually when I feeling down, I listen to some pump up feel good music, and try to get myself all jazzed up!! Try to really pump myself up you know. Get inspired by songs about people who just put the bottle down and walk away after drinking for a really long time, or get out of abusive relationships by whatever means necessary. Or listening to songs that just tell you to speak up your mind and you'll feel better, or that just believe and you can keep fighting no matter what.

Well you know what, while these songs are amazing with their stories and morals, they kind of lie. Earlier in the week I was listening to one of these songs (can't remember which one) and the moral was basically if you say what's on your mind, you'll feel better and happy and the world will be sunshine and rainbows.

Meanwhile, holding back tears, my hand wrote, almost of it's own accord, "But it doesn't work like that." This got me thinking back over the years of fighting with mental illness (it's almost been a solid decade now), and it's true. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some truly amazing people who flick away a cigarette or put a beer down after 50 plus years of addiction and say, "yeah, I'm done with that," and I am by no means an expert on addiction. Actually, the only thing I can say that I've ever been truly addicted to is chocolate, and I'm not quite ready to deal with that yet:P

On a more serious note though, most of us aren't like that. Most of us don't have that "Country Strong" resolve to just say, "I'm going to be this way now, and I will suddenly be happy, and little birds will follow me everywhere." 

I have been trying this approach with my depression and my life in general for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't work. It may give you a temporary mood boost. It may break you out of a funk for the duration of the song. But then there are those truly AWFUL days where they have the opposite effect. 

"Why aren't I like that? Why don't I have that much control of my body and mind to be able to do that?" I remember when I first started to truly feel the tug of my first what I guess I'll call psychotic episode. I listened to every pump up song, and fuck you world song pretty much ever made. I looked at motivational things online (I think this was pre-pinterest) that I could find, and still I felt hollow. I screamed things out to the public online like "I feel free now!!" or "Happiness is a choice I'm making." 

But that's not really how it works. For some people it might, but I think for most of us it doesn't. For most of us, we need real help. I didn't realize it until I wrote that little note on the side of some random scratch paper laying around on my desk, but it really doesn't work like that. I've been doing to myself, telling myself, what I've been rallying against other people telling me for the better part of a decade.

IF YOU JUST TRIED HARDER TO BE HAPPY, YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! JUST SNAP OUT OF IT STUPID!!

Sitting at my desk, trying to work through a particularly tricky insurance claim, this revelation almost brought me to tears and completely blew my mind. This is totally unfair and unacceptable behaviour from anyone, especially myself. ESPECIALLY myself. The roots of stigma against Mental Health run deep enough in the world itself, I don't need them weaving their way into my way of thinking, and dealing, too. 

If you look hard enough on the internet (and by hard enough I mean a quick google search), you will hear amazing stories of people who, like in the songs, just changed their way of thinking, or hardened their resolve, and immediately got better. And if they can do it, why can't weaklings like me? Well, not to put it bluntly, but my depression comes from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Telling a person like me, and there are a lot of us out there, some too terrified to come forward and be judged, to just "think happier" or "snap out of it" would be like telling someone who just broke their arm to "think positive and you'll be fine, you don't need a doctor for that." My favourite comparison, though, is the heart attack analogy.

I recently told someone very close to me why I'm exhausted all the time, and why I pretty much need to go to bed by 9pm every night. Her answer? Those are just excuses. Now, after a truly shitty week, that was almost a tear jerker, but I've learned not to let the uneducated see the true impact of their words on me. But, just for shits and giggles, let's bring in that good old heart attack analogy. When I'm in a psychotic episode (not taking care of myself properly, living on junk food, dragging myself out of bed in the morning, and wanting to do nothing more then to somehow get rid of all the pent up negative feelings I have), when someone tells me, "you're just using mental illness as an excuse", that would be like someone telling someone who is having a heart attack to "just walk it off, you'll be fine."

Just because you can't see it, doesn't make it any less valid of a medical condition. This is something even pop-culture is still not even aware of it seems. Poor Robin Williams was a sad reminder of that. Because truly, the happiest looking people always wear the best masks. Just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm ok. Doesn't mean that I'm on medication that make it so that I can get out of bed in the morning, but also can make me dizzy as hell. Doesn't mean anything.

So, I'm not sure if this was just a rant I needed to get out at some hurt I've felt over the last week (or longer, my Grannie's death is still bothering me more than I know), or an actual blog post with an actual point.

But there is one point I want to make, and if this is the only one that anyone takes away from this, I'll go to bed a little happier tonight.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT!!!! THE WORLD IS TRULY A BRIGHTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT, DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!