Someone Call the Mechanic, I've Stalled!!!

Yup... I've stalled... Broke down... Constantly pacing and jittery as hell... Once again I think I've taken on too much (flexed my brave muscle a little too hard), and I think I've burnt myself out leading to another era of depression... Yipee...Now I can feel myself starting to withdraw from the world, and everything is getting that much harder to do again...

Thankfully, some things are wrapping up for me, so I can relax a little bit (hopefully), and get back to what I truly enjoy. Creating!! I got turned down from another store, which really didn't help the terrible week I seem to be having (lots of family stuff going on right now).

But, even though I'd much rather just lie here and wallow, I'm standing up again!! I'm taking the weekend off from thinking about money, or making money with all my cool stuff, and just create. For some reason (don't remember why), I didn't sign up for the market this week, so I have an open weekend ahead of me. I can catch up on sleep, relax, sketch, paint, write, and do whatever I want!

You know what this is?! SELF-CARE!!! Once again I've neglected self-care, and didn't say no, even when I probably should of, and everything just piled up on me. So this weekend I'm digging myself out of all the crap I've buried myself in, and just chillaxing. Maybe I'll go Market Shopping for next year? Who knows!! I am for sure living this weekend on a whim.

I'm also thinking of removing shipping charges for my Etsy shop, just to get myself going!! I've started my Facebook page and finally actually invited people to look at it. And speaking of Etsy, I totally just revamped, re-priced, and removed all shipping charges. Just to get me started. I JUST WANT THAT FIRST SALE!!!!!

Ugh... Anyways, I guess I'm not in as huge a slump as I thought, but I have to say I'm incredibly excited to not have anything to do this weekend. I'll probably do a few sketches, and for sure start sewing a larger bag together for etsy. It's not as big as I originally wanted (ran out of yarn and REALLY need that first sale to keep putting in money), but it's still a lot bigger than my purses/clutches. It also has multiple woven strands of different colours as well.

Oh!!! I also figured out how to weave really neat patterns on my loom. ...some of them I don't like, checkers and diamonds... But I think I can really do something cool and this kind of feels like the next step for it.

So, I wouldn't say that life is looking up, per se, but I have experienced some interesting new techniques that I'm pretty excited to try.

Ciao for now!!! Talk soon!!!

Me weaving in a historically correct outfit:)

My loom on display (and my crazy Mom and Aunt touching it when the sign says not too:P)

Not Really

As per my last post, I hit a slump. I'm back now, don't worry! Not going to be posting gloom and doom, but merely food for thought.

Usually when I feeling down, I listen to some pump up feel good music, and try to get myself all jazzed up!! Try to really pump myself up you know. Get inspired by songs about people who just put the bottle down and walk away after drinking for a really long time, or get out of abusive relationships by whatever means necessary. Or listening to songs that just tell you to speak up your mind and you'll feel better, or that just believe and you can keep fighting no matter what.

Well you know what, while these songs are amazing with their stories and morals, they kind of lie. Earlier in the week I was listening to one of these songs (can't remember which one) and the moral was basically if you say what's on your mind, you'll feel better and happy and the world will be sunshine and rainbows.

Meanwhile, holding back tears, my hand wrote, almost of it's own accord, "But it doesn't work like that." This got me thinking back over the years of fighting with mental illness (it's almost been a solid decade now), and it's true. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some truly amazing people who flick away a cigarette or put a beer down after 50 plus years of addiction and say, "yeah, I'm done with that," and I am by no means an expert on addiction. Actually, the only thing I can say that I've ever been truly addicted to is chocolate, and I'm not quite ready to deal with that yet:P

On a more serious note though, most of us aren't like that. Most of us don't have that "Country Strong" resolve to just say, "I'm going to be this way now, and I will suddenly be happy, and little birds will follow me everywhere." 

I have been trying this approach with my depression and my life in general for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't work. It may give you a temporary mood boost. It may break you out of a funk for the duration of the song. But then there are those truly AWFUL days where they have the opposite effect. 

"Why aren't I like that? Why don't I have that much control of my body and mind to be able to do that?" I remember when I first started to truly feel the tug of my first what I guess I'll call psychotic episode. I listened to every pump up song, and fuck you world song pretty much ever made. I looked at motivational things online (I think this was pre-pinterest) that I could find, and still I felt hollow. I screamed things out to the public online like "I feel free now!!" or "Happiness is a choice I'm making." 

But that's not really how it works. For some people it might, but I think for most of us it doesn't. For most of us, we need real help. I didn't realize it until I wrote that little note on the side of some random scratch paper laying around on my desk, but it really doesn't work like that. I've been doing to myself, telling myself, what I've been rallying against other people telling me for the better part of a decade.

IF YOU JUST TRIED HARDER TO BE HAPPY, YOU CAN BE HAPPY!! JUST SNAP OUT OF IT STUPID!!

Sitting at my desk, trying to work through a particularly tricky insurance claim, this revelation almost brought me to tears and completely blew my mind. This is totally unfair and unacceptable behaviour from anyone, especially myself. ESPECIALLY myself. The roots of stigma against Mental Health run deep enough in the world itself, I don't need them weaving their way into my way of thinking, and dealing, too. 

If you look hard enough on the internet (and by hard enough I mean a quick google search), you will hear amazing stories of people who, like in the songs, just changed their way of thinking, or hardened their resolve, and immediately got better. And if they can do it, why can't weaklings like me? Well, not to put it bluntly, but my depression comes from a chemical imbalance in my brain. Telling a person like me, and there are a lot of us out there, some too terrified to come forward and be judged, to just "think happier" or "snap out of it" would be like telling someone who just broke their arm to "think positive and you'll be fine, you don't need a doctor for that." My favourite comparison, though, is the heart attack analogy.

I recently told someone very close to me why I'm exhausted all the time, and why I pretty much need to go to bed by 9pm every night. Her answer? Those are just excuses. Now, after a truly shitty week, that was almost a tear jerker, but I've learned not to let the uneducated see the true impact of their words on me. But, just for shits and giggles, let's bring in that good old heart attack analogy. When I'm in a psychotic episode (not taking care of myself properly, living on junk food, dragging myself out of bed in the morning, and wanting to do nothing more then to somehow get rid of all the pent up negative feelings I have), when someone tells me, "you're just using mental illness as an excuse", that would be like someone telling someone who is having a heart attack to "just walk it off, you'll be fine."

Just because you can't see it, doesn't make it any less valid of a medical condition. This is something even pop-culture is still not even aware of it seems. Poor Robin Williams was a sad reminder of that. Because truly, the happiest looking people always wear the best masks. Just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm ok. Doesn't mean that I'm on medication that make it so that I can get out of bed in the morning, but also can make me dizzy as hell. Doesn't mean anything.

So, I'm not sure if this was just a rant I needed to get out at some hurt I've felt over the last week (or longer, my Grannie's death is still bothering me more than I know), or an actual blog post with an actual point.

But there is one point I want to make, and if this is the only one that anyone takes away from this, I'll go to bed a little happier tonight.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT!!!! THE WORLD IS TRULY A BRIGHTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT, DOING WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

Rejection Sucks Skunk Junk

Now, I have been rejected before. Not often, and my mind tries to save me from being overly vulnerable most of the time, but it still sucks.

 

As a teenager I taught myself a pretty handy trick of "if you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed when nothing happens." I have since learned that this is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy way of dealing with your feelings, and have been really trying to feel them... Which is probably why this stings so horribly now.

 

I'll back up a little bit here, and tell you that one of the stores who said that they might want to display my work turned me down... It was one I was kinda excited about since it's in a pretty big hotspot where I live, and my stuff would have fit in GREAT!! But... Apparently someone they are already displaying has similar products to mine... Ugh...

So yeah, went through a pretty BIG low... Where I pretty much just went home, snuggled up with my fur babies (Annie turned 2 yesterday!!!), and cried on the phone with my Mom... All while watching the movie "Bridesmaids." HILARIOUS by the way, if you haven't seen it yet!

Anyways, I wallowed for a while, licked my wounds, and then did something positive. I SET UP MY ETSY SHOP!!!! That's right!!! I'm now open for business!!! Super exciting!!! Oh, and I sent out some more pitches to a couple other boutiques around that sometimes carry artisans work.

On a whole, I think I managed to turn the day around. So, when you're in a low (unless it's a SERIOUS low where you should seek medical attention; END THE STIGMA), be sad, be mad, be upset, lick your wounds, but then STAND BACK UP!! Be like one of those Weeble Wobble toys where no matter how many hits they take, they just stand right back up again.

Only YOU can truly knock yourself down. So on that note, keep on creating and keep on fighting!! You totally got this!!

Ciao for now!!

 

Leica, jealous of her little sister

Annie, the Birthday Girl!!!

Follow the Signs!!!

Follow the signs!! Read the signs!! ...make the signs...

Thus we have my dilemma of the week(s). I need to make some signs. Not super fancy signs, but just some signs. What do I need these for? My Farmer's Market!!

Holy Moly!! I started to plan out all of the small details this past week and never realized that I would need signs for:
-The Business (Me:P)
-Prices
-Cash Only

Then I need a cash float for change, a table (DONE!!), lawn chairs (DONE!!), table cloth (Dollarama), and the list goes on... And it's REALLY starting to keep me up...

Well... It was... As with many of my posts I started on one day and am finishing on another. I started this one on a stressy Friday, and am ending it on an exhausted Monday... Zzz...

I didn't actuallt have to play slow pitch this weekend (Saturday I was a spare so they let me take off because it was my 5 year wedding anniversary, and Sunday we were rained out), so I actually got a lot accomplished! ...or it feels like I did... Only time will tell... 

I have effectively not only moved ALL my clothes from the inlaws to our house, but I have sorted through them and now have 2 LARGE bins to donate to the Salvation Army, with 1 more small pile of shirts to go through! I'm so excited!! 

Plus, most of my old tshirts that I couldn't bear to part with, O'm going to turn into a "Tshirt Quilt" by cutting out all the logos (mostly band shirts and my cheeky old ones), sewing them together, and adding a backing. SUPER excited for that!! You know, in all the spare time I have:P

On top of wading through my closet, I also managed to finish up all the write-ups for the MAHTA newsletter, and, since we have such an amazing Office Assistant, was able to just pass off the word document for her to make all pretty and format and junk. I do enjoy doing all that, but at the moment I have neither the time nor the resources to get into that cat fight! So, I typed and articled my lil heart out and VOILA!! We have content!!

I then, right before bed, started to work out a price chart for my products for the summer... It's a LOT harder then you would think!! My Inner Critic was not being very nice. Kept telling me that people won't pay for my crap... But you know what? I think that if I tough it out enough, I think people will like what I have to say!! ...maybe... We'll see!!

Anyways, I've been telling people left, right, and center about the Farmer's Market, and a lot of them are family, so hopefully I get a few pity buys at the most:)

I haven't really done much in the way of production of content this weekend, but this week will for sure be crunch time! EEP!! 

I've also come to a decision on how often I'm going to he doing these blog posts! Even if it's just a short post with a couple pics, you can expect something from me every two days!! I've decided that if I can't make time for something I love every other day, then what kind of life am I living right?!? 

Ciao for now!!!!

Monday with Minions

Hello again world!!

It is another Monday, but I am slightly more peppy today then normal!! First, the wonders of sleeping, and second, I am in an interpretive minion outfit today!!!

So why am I dressed as a semi-minion on a crazy Monday? It's my... STYLE SCHOOL CHALLENGE OF THE DAY!!!! The song that we had to inspire our wardrobe after today is the song "Happy", which is a main song in Despicable Me 2, so naturally... MINIONS!!!

Anyways, that was my morning excitement... Now, what have I been up to? I really am sorry if these posts have been a lil dry for the past week, I'm still trying to adapt to my new sleeping pills:P They are wonderful, but they make me a lil bit drowsy during the day too...

But again, the question of this blog is, what creative endeavours have I been into lately!! Well, as has been the norm over the past few weeks I've been playing around with the creativity of style, which is super duper fun, as well as weaving my heart and soul out.

It has recently hit me that I will be attending a farmers market for the first time in the very near future (like 2 weeks), and I REALLY need to get cracking on my content!! But I've also been super excited to be wearing my woven goods lately as well. A real favourite has been my gold scarf, which I've been wearing pretty frequently as a head scarf.

A real fear of mine was that, yes, I can weave to my heart's content, but what if no one likes it, or worse, what if I don't like it?!? I was SERIOUSLY concerned when all I had to go by were several loops of woven fabric that didn't really look like anything, and at that point, never would. But I went to Dollarama, found a darning needle (a REALLY big needle), and started finishing up some of the products that I'd already finished the main work on.

The result? LOVE IT!! I'm currently hand sewing (my sewing machine is still ill) two pieces together that I purposely wove to be the exact same to make a wider scarf. The hand sewing is slow going, but otherwise it's looking great!! I've also taken stock of my colours and have come to realize that I do, in fact, have more wool than originally thought, and before I go and buy more I should really use all of what I have up. Shouldn't take too long!!

I've also been putzing with a Facebook Page. As of right now it's less than half done (just has a few words on it really), but I think this will really help things too!!

I also went out to my parents farm for the weekend (hence my absence), and went to a couple small town places where I might be able to canvas to hang up some of my artwork. So, now all I need to do is to compose a letter to send out to all of these places (email or snail mail), and a sample piece of art. You never know right? Raise your hand say yes:P

I've really been having fun with the whole slowing down while drawing thing. I guess my biggest worry was, since I'm primarily a writer, that I would lose my momentum/whim and wouldn't be able to get back into it. This happens with writing (as you may have noticed on this blog with a SLIGHT overlap of content), but I'm finding for my sketching I'm not really having any of those problems. I can leave it for sometimes days, and then come back to it without the world ending. I've heard several terms now for the imposter complex (jiblets, vampire voices), but it's super fun to prove them wrong in this instance.

I think I'm finally coming out of my depressed, sleep-deprived slump. This is so exciting for me!! I just need to start painting again (and find my easel) and I'm one happy camper :)

Have a Happy Monday all!!

Hallelujah for Modern Pharmaceuticals!!!

Let the angels sing!!! I have had a good night sleep!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!! This is the first time I can actually say I've had a decent sleep since... Hmmm... I can't really remember!!

So... Why don't I sleep? I'm kind of feeling like this might be a segway into another part of my creativity, which is mental health. I am a strong believer in awareness of this, as there is still a lot of stigma associated with it. I have been fighting with depression for the better part of a decade now, ranging from mild to pretty severe. I've had suicidal thoughts, I've made plans to kill myself. It's a real thing.

Was there anything going on in my life at the time? Not really. There were some big changes happening (I moved to the city to go to College), but nothing bad or troublesome. I had a lot of fun in College. I had a boyfriend for the first time, so it was strange having to think of someone else all the time, but again, nothing major.

However, all these little things added up to big things. Not to mention genetics. Like some people may be pre-disposed to diabetes, or heart conditions, I am pre-disposed to mental illness. It runs very strong on both sides of my family. I have a great Aunt on my mom's side who is bipolar, and both the men and women in both my mom and dad's families have depression.

So, I could have had a life full of daisies and sunshine, but I pretty much was screwed from the start. Again, much like if everyone in my family had a heart condition, I would have to be very careful as well.

Why am I telling you all this? Because yesterday, due to a severe lack of sleep, I had a borderline manic episode and had to call in sick to work to go to my doctors. This would be comparable to someone with a heart condition not feeling well and having to get their meds adjusted.

Why am I constantly comparing mental illness to physical illness? BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING!!!!! But why are people with mental illness singled out as different? STIGMA!! I have dealt with this most of my adult life, and it's just tiresome. Sure, it's the 21st century and most people don't really care much either way, but you would be surprised at how many closed minded people there are still out there today.

Like, would you tell someone who broke their ankle to "walk it off, if you ignore it, it'll get better?" NO!! That would be stupid!! You would take them to the hospital. So when someone tells a person with a mental illness to just "suck it up," it's completely devastating. Why should we always be singled out?

And because of people singling us out, a lot of people, especially men, are afraid to get help. They're afraid of what people will say/think of them. I, personally, have been told that anti-depressants "make you crazy, and if you just exercise a lot you'll be fine." Yeah... Been there, tried that, kinda wanted to die. I've also been told that "the pills are a placebo," and I've actually had people get mad at me for taking them.

Or another Classic Solution is just to "think about all you have in life, you have so much to be thankful for." Yeah, obviously, but you wouldn't tell the same thing to a person who's sick in bed with the flu to just "think about something else, it's all mind over matter."

But I digress! I have about a million more of these stories, some personal, some not, but they all say the same thing, "It's all in your head."  Yeah, maybe it is, but there's also a lot of chemicals all in your head and sometimes they're a lil bit outta wack, so medications help. I could go into all the scientifics of them all (cuz boy do I know them, and you bet I've used them), but you get the idea.

Parting thought? If not for modern pharmaceuticals I would either a) be in a mental institute, or b) be dead. So, think about that before you say something to someone with a mental illness, or bash on the medications that they need to take to, usually, survive.

Peace out y'all, keep on rockin!! :P

A couple of the many prescriptions I've tried to control my depression.

May the 4th be with You (And Revenge of the 5th)

Yes, I'm a proud nerd! And so I say, May the 4th be with you!!

It seems like a lifetime since I last posted anything. A lot has happened in the last couple of days, namely my Grannie suddenly passing away. So it's been a devastating week all around. At the moment this is an experimental post.

 

Creative-wise I actually haven't been doing too badly. I started this post yesterday (Star Wars Day :P), but just didn't have the heart to finish. Anyways, I did get a lot of crafty stuff done yesterday. I painted 2 pictures (water colour!), and did a sketch of The Forks again.

 

Side bar, The Forks is a pretty big tourist destination here in Winnipeg and probably my favourite place in the city. It's super historic (previously established that I'm nerdy that way), there's lots of cool original shops, and it's beautiful to just sit by the river. Anyways, I went there last Friday on my last day of holidays and it has since become my favourite place to sketch (apparently). I've done 2 now (see below), and after tagging The Forks in it via hashtags, they've liked both of my pictures right away on Instagram. It might not seem like much, but I personally am SUPER STOKED!! I'm pretty excited that my artwork is starting to get noticed.

Which means that now I really have to update my Instagram personal info and let people know that I'm actually selling stuff now... Ugh... Work... It was also really exciting that my cousin recognized right away what I drew. I'm kind of all about artistic interpretation. When I try to draw something exactly how it actually looks, if it doesn't look EXACTLY like the actual object I get super down on myself. Even though I really shouldn't (I'm still pretty new at this, and am for sure not a camera), so I've decided to stop trying. If it looks close enough to what it actually is, I'm good.

I've also taken my first step towards official abstract painting. I couldn't think of what else to paint, so I just grabbed the colours that I liked and kinda smeared them all a page. When I was done I kinda thought it looked like fireworks, but when I showed it to my sister and cousin they both agreed that it looked like autumn leaves. That really intrigues me! It wasn't supposed to be anything, just a smear of colours on a canvas, but it turned out to be a possible 2 things. And that's just from the 3 of us. Mind blowing right?!?

This has kind of been a therapeutic post, I'm still incredibly out of sorts and not quite myself. Now I can definitely see how art and writing can be used for therapy. I feel slightly better already :)

Thanks to all who suffered through:) I should be more myself and back to my regular endeavors next post (hopefully).

A Needle over the Edge

Well folks, I finally snapped! First, I was trying to figure out how to sew a historically accurate skirt for my dress. I figured that to speed things up on such big seams I would use my sewing machine.

Backstory on this, I was sewing another outfit back in January and I broke a needle on my machine at pretty much the same time I ran out of my good thread. So, I managed to find another needle and some more thread, both second rate and kinda crummy. But it was the night before a big event and I needed the outfit. Chaos ensued. I wasn't sure at the time of it was the needle or the garbage old thread I was using. Well, now I know it WASN'T THE THREAD!! I have now come to the conclusion that I need a new needle for my machine (after half an hour of playing with the tension of the machine, the bobbin, and just about everything else). It was in this time I completely snapped. I yelled, I screamed, and I may have done some damage to the pieces of material for my skirt...

Anyways, long story short, I but the dogs in their kennel and went for a walk to the library to pick up some books I have on hold. Turns out Wednesday is the one day a week when it closes early! Ugh!! So, if I couldn't calm myself down by wandering around books, by God I needed chocolate. To 7/11 I went.

Then it hit me, meditation. I was so all over the place from stress and frustration I needed something to bring me back and center me again.

I've been playing with meditation for a little while now, and so far I've had some really good results with it. Lacy Young is the genious who introduced me to this. I had been curious about it for some time, but didn't really know where to start. So, while listening to my favourite podcast, I finally got some clarity. Lacy was featured in one of the New Years Resolution episodes, and it was love at first listen. Ever since then I've been scouring her website (link above). She has soooo much good, free (my favourite price:D) content it's unbelievable. Her guided meditations are to die for. This is what I've been using for my inner peace lately.

So, the moral of this post I guess, is keep breathing no matter how frustrating life gets, and find something that gives you some peace. It may not be a crappy sewing machine needle that finally sends you over the edge, but if you're not careful something definitely will.

Ciao for now!!

P.S. These are some wonderful pieces of art I cranked out after I calmed down😊